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Søren Kierkegaard’s Football Bible

jose mourinho

philosophical lyrical nanoha

soren_kierkegaardChelsea 1      Atlético Madrid 3


“The more one suffers, the more, I believe, one has a sense for the comic”


After Chelsea parked two buses in the back of Liverpool’s net this past weekend, Jose Mourinho came in for a bit of criticism regarding his defensive football philosophy that toppled Liverpool off of their facking perch, sort of….and left the Kop in a rather precarious position.

Jose, not one to suffer fools or run from ANY philosopher living or dead, fired back thusly:  “In this moment football is full of philosophers, full of people that understand much more than me. The reality is always the reality. A team that doesn’t defend well, doesn’t have many chances to win.”

Or as I would put it (to paraphrase someone, I’m quite sure), “Doing is honest philosophy.”


“…passion is necessary. Every movement of infinity comes about by passion…”


Scoreboard, baby. Scoreboard.

On the weekend it was:  Liverpool 0   Chelsea 2

But today, on our home turf, on our hallowed ground, it was a different story. It was still scoreboard, of course. But the philosophical nature of things ran slightly askew to the ancient and revered texts.

When Torres put us up 1-0 on the end of an absolutely  brilliant interplay of philosophical football, the thinking was, and every last dime of your mother-in-law’s money was, on Chelsea holding on for the win. With the lead in hand, Jose would have the buses hauled of their sheds in the 2nd half and park them in front of the goal in the Shed End and that would be end of it and the philosophy would ramble on in the manner of music….since music is just a bunch of notes in the same manner that philosophy is just a bunch of words.

But Adrián had a different philosophy. HIS treatise on football was short on verbiage, but long on intent. On the 44th minute he parked a beaut in the back of the net at the Matthew Harding Stand off an assist from Juanfran. It was 1-1, but the away goal gave Atlético the win on aggregate going into the halftime break.

I should have gone all Rally Cap Wanker at that point. But I didn’t. After all, it didn’t work the last time we had to come from behind against Atlético. No excuse, I can assure you, but the no doubt suspect philosophical choice was made. And the only rhetoric that matters here is scoreboard.

Scoreboard.  Chelsea 0    Atletico Madrid 3


philosphical david hume keyword researchBUY my new book: A TREATISE ON HUMAN FOOTBALL on!!


Unlike at Anfield this weekend, it was bit more difficult to apprehend Jose Mourinho’s football philosophy in this match. With Matiç and Salah not available, parking two buses was not going to pass muster with anyone. especially not David Hume.

Ditto whatever obscure philosophy informed Chelsea’s performance on the day.

If David Hume were alive today, he would have said:


“If I were alive today, my A TREATISE ON HUMAN NATURE would TOTALLY have been all about Keyword Optimization!!”


Hume was always, if anything, a pragmatic and practical sort. He was born a few hundred years too early, and I’m firmly convinced he would have loved the 21st century. Try and deny THAT you anti-metaphysical empiricist wannabees!!

Anyway, there was a badly needed sharpness and urgency missing from Chelsea’s play today.

And thus, scoreboard.


atletico madrido proxy

rozen maiden vs martin heiddeger

martin-heidegger's football tacticsFootball footballs.


Meanwhilst, the Germans were eliminated yesterday in decidedly less than philosophical terms.

Simply put, Bayern Munchen got a good solid hiding at the hands of Real Madrid. There was no thinking, no reading, no studying, no writing, no painting pictures, no carving sculptures, nor was there any playing of music involved.

The final from the Allianz Arena on Tuesday was Bayern München 0   Real Madrid 4.

Yes. You read that correctly.

Real goes on to the Champions League final at Lisbon 5-0 on aggregate to face their cross-town rival Atlético Madrid.

Pundits worldwide were proclaiming the death of tiki-taka fottball….the beautiful football that Pep Guardiola made so successful at Barcelona.

One of the problems with installing this sort of football at Bayern, is that you’re installing this sort of football at Bayern.They don’t have the sort of players that are built or meant to be adept at that. At least not as adept as Messi and Iniesta and so on were at that sort of thing when Pep ruled the day at Barca. Arjen Robbin, Frank Ribery, and Bastian Schweinsteiger will never be mistaken for THOSE lads. Pep, should have known better…probably should consulted a philospher rather stepping off in the world of anti-metaphysical empiricism ((or even worse, a post-Hegelian world of phenomenologial existentialism)) on his own.

Now granted, they won the Bundesliga on the trot….had it wrapped up pretty much before the season began….well not really, but they’ve had it etched in stone for a couple of months now. And therein lies the other problem. Bayern took the foot off the gas when they locked up the Bundesliga title.

And there we have it. Scoreboard.

As Martin Heiddeger once said:


“Art gives things their look, and human beings their outlook.”

That pretty much sums it up for Bayern this season.


jose mourinho's football philosophyYou think I want Fascist SPAIN to win? Hell YES I do!!!


I do believe that Thomas Hobbes, were he alive today, would calmly and cunningly gather up ALL his Mother-in-law’s money and stride purposely down to the nearest Ladbrokes and go all-in on Real Madrid to win the Champions League final in Lisbon on May 24th. The wily gentleman is probably on to something, unfortunately.

And those of us who feel that life is meant to more poignant, than fitful, brutish, and short will no doubt ourselves, when the final whistle sounds, curled up in a fetal position on a pile of torn up betting slips, whimpering inconsolably in whatever town without pity we happen to be incarcerated in at that moment.

Even though hopes and dreams might comes crashing down as surely as they did today, I’m going to stand against the tide. I’m going all in on Atlético emerging with the win.

And on May 25th, I’ll most likely be standing on some dark corner shaking my little fists of fury at the heavens going, “Fock you Thomas Hobbes, Fock YOU!!”

So be it, then.


jose mourinho's football philosophyI’m going to be Jose Mourinho’s Football Philosophy Coach for the rest of the season


I’m not so sure how Georg Wilhelm Frederic Hegel can lend any MORE idealism to Jose Mourinho’s football philosophy than is already contained therein already. But having him in the dugout, casting that weary and worrying gaze over the pitch as Chelsea wrap up the season with Norwich and Cardiff could very well be worth the price of admission.

He might be good value to keep on the staff for next season as it’s apparent in the wake of today’s match with Atlético that the phenomenology of Chelsea’s mind and spirit could still do with some fine tuning. And Hegel is definitely the man for THAT sort of job.


“The valor that struggles is better than the weakness that endures.”


that's all for today


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