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It’s Talladega, Baby!! Spring 2014 CUTE Moe Edition

Tits at Talladega
Tits at TalladegaIt’s Talladega, Baby!! And you know what THAT means….!!!


Actually, this time, you don’t know what that means. Let me explain.

The word moe (pronounced mo-é) is a Japanese word that means, well….it means a lot of different things rolled into one. Elements of cuteness, vulnerability, embarrasment, adorableness, sweetness, all rolled into one.

For example, if Danica Patrick weren’t so tsundere, then she would be moe if some mean goof wrecks her and she finishes 33rd. Oh wait…now I gotta explain tsundere.

Anyway, tsundere is, for all practical purposes, the phenomenological opposite of moe. Not that tsundere girls can’t be moe at times, but….

Hang on a second, it’s the phone….it’s Krauser from Detroit Metal City:


“Schmitty here, what’s up Krauser?


talladega tits

“WHERE ARE THE TITS??!! THIS IS TALLADEGA!! WE WANT OUR TITTIES! GIVE ‘EM TO US NOW OR I’LL (*redacted*) (*redacted*) YOU AND KILL YOU BY (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) YOU (*redacted*)!!”


“I’m sorry Krauser. It’s not going to happen this year. We’re taking a different approach…”


“(*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) YOU WANKER!! YOU TOSSER!!  (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) AND INTO YOUR (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) AND YOUR MOUTH (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*)….”


“Not happening Krauser. No tits at Talladega this year. I’m sorry….”


(*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*) (*redacted*)…..”


“You’ll just have to deal with it, Krauser. I’m hanging up now. I’m shutting my phone off”



Geez anyway, some people. Anyway, sorry about that. Krauser being Krauser. Anyway…

What I told Krauser was completely true this time. We’re going the cute, moe route and despite all my attempts to break the mold over th years, and then finally caving in to the inevitable by way of one cheap conceit or another, like last year, for example. So none of that this year, and more of this:

tits at talladegaSqueeeee!! How adorable!!


Yes. This year it’s a different story. And I do believe it’s going to work. I’m exciting about this!! And as always, I’ve been really lookiong forward to Talladega. There is no and no race track like it on earth. Madness, mayhem, the hallucinogenic ROAR of the engines. I can’t wait for Sunday!!

And this season, we’re going look at it through a refreshing set of eyes.

So without further ado:





talladega tittiesDrivers!!!   START Your ENGINES!!!



Tits at Talladega

Tits at Talladega


Tits at TalladegaIt’s Talladega Baby!! And that means potential new qualifying rules madness!!


This is first real test of NASCAR’s new qualifying rules at a Superspeedway. As you might recall, Daytona retained it’s own set of heart-worn and time-tested rules. But Talladega is it’s own beast, and I would bet ya 6-pak of BIG FLATS that something is bound to go grievously amiss this afternoon (as I write this) under the new F1-inspired qualifying format.

Everyone waits for the Big One, the Talladega Trainwreck sometime during the race. This year, it could very well happen during qualifying. With 47 drivers out there running like (*redacted*) (*redacted*), well, something is surely bound to happen, yes?

As for the starting order…that is, the order in which the sleds are lined up on pit road….Michael Annett rolls out 1st with Junior right behind him. ((These were selected by drawing prime numbers out of a hat)). That should be good for Junior I would think. He can out there and lay down a smoking hot lap, then get off and get out of the way of any potential mayhem.

During Happy Hour, Junior laid down the highest consecutive 10 lap average speed of 195.920. His top lap speed in Happy Hour was 197.480mph. Jimmie Johnson’s damned ability put him second to Junior with a 195.901. Rounding out the top 6 on that list in order are   Harvick at 195.895;  Noted Wine Connoisseur Jeff Gordon at 195.862; Kasey Kahne at 195.773; and Danica at 195.773. Of that murderer’s row of drivers, Kahne had the fastest single lap at 197.745 and Danica was 2nd fastest at 197.651.

I don’t know what this could mean for the actual race, but it does give us something to think about.




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tits at talladegaIt’s Talladega,Baby!! And that means Marcos Ambrose and Casey Mears can’t fight with each other this week…


Last Saturday night, after the Richmond was done and dusted and Joey Logano’s smile was lighting up Victory Lane, Marcos Ambrose and Casey Mears were engaged in a little argy-bargy back in the pits over some perceived slight while racing furiously to see who would/could finish 15th or 16th of something like that. Mears came charging at Ambrose as he strolled over for a chat, and gave him a shove. And then Ambrose reared back and punched him in the face. Problem solved.

At least it would have been but for the TV cameras that caught every no-doubt thrilling moment. Back in the day, the lads could go back behind the haulers and have it out and no one was the wiser. But with the invention of television, it makes it hard for NASCAR to turn a blind eye. So as you might imagine, the lads were called down to Mike Helton’s and Ryan Pemberton’s offices for a terrible scolding and a stern discussion regarding rule 12-4-A.

As a result, both drivers are on probation until May 29th.

Mears was fined $10,000 for his efforts.

Ambrose’s punch cost him $25,000. Money well spent there, and no doubt worth every penny.

I mean, what the fock was Mears thinking going after a solid dude like Ambrose, besides the distinct possiblity that he wasn’t thinking?

At least it wasn’t, as they (the sexist pigs, that is) say, all purses and handbags. Ambrose got a good solid punch in. Nice work lad.

Have at it, boys, indeed!



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tits at talladega

Chi-chis mas grandes enTalladegaIt’s Talladega, Baby!! And hat means it’s time to discuss NASCAR in Europe!!


Yes. That was read correctly. There is NASCAR in Europe. I’m not making this up. Even if I wanted to ((and I DID want to, but now I don’t have to)).

The series is called the NASCAR Whelen Euro Series. It’s headquartered in Blois, France…right down the road from Le Mans, and right up the road from Tours, which has a 1/2 mile short track that looks like it would be insane fun to see a race at ((more on this a bit)).  A short track like that in focking FRANCE!! Bloody HELL anyway!!

The cars are like NASCAR, pre-COT, with wings instead of spoilers and some chassis tweaks and setups for European tracks. They’re powered by 5.7L V-8’s pumping out 400hp at 55 m/kg torque. ((The official specs on their website says they’re Chevrolet engines…but I don’t think the Dodges and the Ford are going to be running a Chavrolet under their hoods….*comme ci, comme ça, n’est-ce pas?*

They don’t have a long season. 6 races, that’s it. Well…actually, it’s 12 races since have a race on both Saturday and Sunday at each venue.

The initial race weekend of the 2014 season was April 12-13 in Valencia, Spain.In the Elite 1 division, Yann Zimmer won the Saturday racew. And Andre Viliano took the checkers oin Sunday going wire to wire. Bert Longin, who finished 2nd on Saturday and 3rd on Sunday leads the Elite 1 points standing. NASCAR Europe uses the old NASCAR scoring system, so Longin sit pon 83 points after 2 races.

There are 2 divisions NASCAR Europe. Elite 1 and Elite 2. The exact same car driven in both divisions. Not a different car like in Sprint Cup and Nationwide, but the very same car. The difference in divisions is the relative experience of the drivers. For example, Bert Longin drives the 11 Chevrolet SS in Elite 1. His teammate Neal Van Vaerenberg drives the very same #11 Cheverolet SS in Elite 2. Van Vaerenberg swept bpoth races on the opening weekend at Valencia and leads the Elite 2 points with 98 points and has a 14 lead over 2nd place Marsilio Canuti.

The next race weekend will be June 7-8 at Brands Hatch in County Kent UK and it looks to be a real chav-tastic good time!! My word, anyway. Not only NASCAR, but Drag-Racing, Car-Crushing Monster Trucks, Pickup Truck Racing, and lots of chavettes in bikinis and cowboy hats. Now remember, this is in ENGLAND mind you. Not New England, but REAL England. As I said before, a descending series of  moments ago, Bloody HELL anyway!!

A month later it’s off to Tours, which is Bristol w/o the highbanking. Tours has 9° banking. Which makes it a flat track by our standards. But for Europe, that banking equates to CRAZY MAYHEM!! Sheer MADNESS!!

July 19-20 they’ll be racing at the Nürburgring, the very same weekend as the German Gran Prix ((emphasis mine)) It’s a pity that F1 and NASCAR Europe aren’t racing at the same venue. That would be pretty fockin’ cultural….and I mean that severely!! The only problem I could see with that is that Kimi Räikkönen would hi-jack one of those sleds and leave everyone in his dust and gasping for breath. On second thought. No problem there.

Last two race weekends will be the semi-finals in Mangione, Italy Sept 20-21, and the finals at Le Mans Oct-11-12.

So that’s NASCAR Europe. And I didn’t have to make any of it up. Honest.



tits at taladega



tits at talladegaIt’s Talladega, Baby!! And that means….well, let’s see how qualifying went….


Brian Scott, driving the 4th Richard Childress car took the pole. Scott is RCR’s main drive in Nationwide so essentially this is a 1-off. I don’t expect 1st place to last much longer than a lap or two. Scott is a decent driver and stands 6th in Nationwide points piloting RCR’s #2 Shore Lodge Chevrolet. I’m sure he’ll enjoy the spotlight while he can. In Saturday’s Aarons 312, Scott got caught up in the Big One on lap 61 and finished 33rd. His RCR team-mates also qualified well…now mind you, with the possible exception of Ryan Newman I could give fock-all about RCR, but they had a strategy to work together in qualifying that payed off. Besides Scott on the pole, Menard shares the front row with him, Austin Dillon rolls off 5th and Newman 6th.

I would infer that Stewart-Haas also used a similar team strategy. Danica will tee it up  9th, and Smoke 7th, Harvick 8th, Kurt 9th and Smoke 12th. So there’s lots of Chavrolets in the top 12.

Junior didn’t qualify well. He grips it and rips it from 30th. Ditt0 my Joe Gibbs favourites: Kyle Busch a/k/a NASCAR’s “Most Popular Driver” would have bolted  for the finish from the 19 gate except for engine change which put him at the rear. Matt will be stepping out 21st and Hamlin 34th. Even Jimmie Johnson’s damned ability could only get him 20th on the grid. Kahne and Truex had their qualifying times disallowed due to irregularituies during post-qualifying inspection. They had to use provisionals to make the field.

But all that said, it doesn’t matter all that much at Talladega where you start. It’s where you finish and if you finish first, you win ((plus remember, People Die When They Are Killed)).

It’s 499 miles of mayhem and madness where the Big One can happen at any moment. I know it doesn’t matter where you start, but personally I’d rather be up front when the hallucenogenic roar of the engines meet up with chaos.

We’re teeing the Aaron 499 in a few minutes and I can hardly wait.

Let’s say Danica Patrick will win this one. At I’ve got more than a personal stake in that. I once said on this blog that Danica will win a NASCAR race before Ryan Giggs will ever coach Manchester United. Oooops! But…interim coach doesn’t count right? Danica does have the car, the speed and the grit and now the experience to pull this off.

So Danica it is, then.




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tits at Talladega

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tits at Talladega


tits at TalladegaChelsea 0      Norwich City 0


Pardon the interruption here, but this just went final from The Bridge. On any other day, I wouldn’t mind this result from a match between my two favourite teams. But this was not any other day, and too much was riding on this game. The result helps Norwich more since they are caught up in the relegation mire….a point well need was taken, but they really needed all three. If Norwich has played this season as well as they played today against Chelsea, they wouldn’t be anywhere near the relegation zone they find themselves in now.

Chelsea, however, pretty much lost any chance of winning the title. They need ALL 3 points. 1 point wont do it I’m afraid.

There was also a bit of sadness for me in today’s game since it’s probably the last time Chelsea and Norwich play each for a few years. Despite gaining a bably need point, I’m afraid Norwich will be down in Championship for the next year or two. I’ll have more to say on this later when it all sinks in.

And now, back to Talladega, and the hallugenogenic roars of the engines, and every else that also means.



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tits at Talladega

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