It’s Talladega, Baby!! And you know what THAT means!!!
It means exactly what you think it means. But this time, it also means so much more.
Meanwhile, for me it means finding some trailer court in the general vicinity of the Talladega Superspeedway which is ideally located across the railroad tracks from a women’s prison and is also squarely situated in a known tornado alley ((which I know could be just any focking where in Alabama)) because I’m fixing to bunker down in a ratty trailer with several 30 paks of HAMMS the beer refreshing, a case of pork cracklins, and a cheeeeep Penncrest phonograph which will be playing, every Wet Willie record known to man. As a bonus, this trailer should also have “Yoo Hoo Tornaders!! DROP VORTEX HERE!!” painted on the top in bright red letters.
I’ll also need a good supply of cornbread, greens, a crowder pea casserole or two, and gravy but no grits. Sorry y’all, but I hate grits. I’ll also require a goodly amount of banana pudding also with plenty of BBQ chicken slathered with Alabama white BBQ sauce.
So as I said….it’s Talladega baby!! And you what THAT means. Yes? Of course you do!! I don’t even have to mention it. So I won’t. Tits! Tits at Talladega. Talladega Titties. And more of the same. So while I get the above mentioned accoutrements together, feel free to discuss these concepts amongst yourselves.
There’s WHAT at Talladega????
Okay, okay. I’ve rounded up a 1970 Buick station wagon….got it loaded and now we’re off to the trailer park across the railroad tracks from a women’s prison. Okay. It’s Talladega baby, and all that. But this year there’s a BIG difference at the Fall race.
So without belaboring the obvious any further:
Drivers!! START YOUR ENGINES!!
It’s Talladega, Baby!! And THAT means ELIMINATION!!
The Fall race at Dega is always a crap shoot. The Big One get set you back in the Chase if you’re caught up in it, but in years past, you had 5 race to crawl back into contention.
This year, Talladega can exact a far worse fate. This year, Talladega can mean ELIMINATION!!
After Talladega, the bottom 4 remaining drivers in the Chase are eliminated. They are done with no opportunity to recover. They can win every remaining race but it will matter naught. They must stand down from any hope of a championship.
Those four drivers at the moment are Matt Kenseth, Bad Brad, Junior, and that Jimmie Johnson character who no one ever thought would amount to much. Matt is only 1 point out, but the other have their work cut out on Sunday.
When the checkered flag falls and hallucinogenic roar of the engines become a spectral whispering silence, 4 drivers will no longer be contenders.
They will be eliminated.
Whichever word you prefer.
And as I consider the odds of it as I pop open a HAMMS in my trailer across the railroad tracks from the women’s prison, I’d be almost willing to wager ALL of my mother-in-law’s money on some argy-bargy mayhem breaking out during the race….someone will get even MORE stupid than the stupidity that occurred at Charlotte last Saturday night.
It’s Talladega Baby!! And that means NASCAR will police any argy-bargy, not that that will stop anyone….
The big news from Charlotte was not that someone won. That was really an afterthought. The real news from Charlotte was Bad Brad’s stupidity on the track, and pit road after the race; and Matt Kenseth jumping his smarmy ass between the haulers after the race, gripping him in a headlock and punching his face in for being a dumb fuck on the race track and in the pits.
As Clint Bowyer said, “If Matt Kenseth comes running at you and puts you in a headlock and punches you in the nose, there’s no jury needed, there’s no judge needed. You’re guilty. Period. Just take your beating and go home.”
Denny Hamlin also wanted a piece of Bad Brad but Matt got there first. Tony Stewart got his lick in by backing into Bad Brad after he rode up on Tony’s ass in the pits.
When the dust settled, NASCAR threw down the penalties, Smoke got a $25,000 fine because use his car instead of his fists. Bad Brad got at $50,000 fine, but no points deducted. Both are on probation ’til the end of the season.
Bad Brad should just ride around at the back on Sunday and finish last of the drivers still riding around at the end. But we all know that’s not bloody likely.
Meanwhilst, Matt got off scot-free!! No fine, no probation, not a word spoken. Like Clint said….if Matt goes after ya like that, yer as guilty as hell!!
In case you’re wondering, Kevin Harvick won the Charlotte race.
I knew I was overlooking something vital.
It’s Talladega, Baby!! And that means ALL of the above!!
Over the years….this has been a veritable celebration tits at Talladega. My little bi-annual fanservice extravaganza. But of late, I’m sure you’ve noticed a change from the old regime. This Spring, there we absolutely NO tits to be seen anywhere, except, of course, AT Talladega.
Also, when NASCAR turned the restrictor plate racing on it’s ear with the Car of Tomorrow, which led to to tandem drafting and all that hideous dross, I skewed to the Boys Love side of things to highlight the utter absurdity of it all. That post was a just about as disturbing as the racing itself.
To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll go back to the full on fanservice. I’ve always had these little conceits of not doing it, and then, BOING!!! It’s titties at Talladega on parade!! Albeit of the anime sort. This is delicious cake, etc etc etc.
But lately I’ve indulged in other conceits instead. So what the future will bring remains to be seen.
So for now, I brought a bit of all three to the tableau.
I’ll save the heretic burning for the folks at the other end of the trailer court. And hope their enthusiasm for that sort of thing remains there.
As for the GEICO 500 this weekend, I will not be watching a minute of it as I have to work this weekend. I will most likely not watch another race all season. But that wont stop from me writing about it.
After all, a sporting event you have not seen still has certain resonance about it and certain truths that it can reveal.
A good example of that is the Euro 2016 Qualifying match this past week between Serbia and Albania. I didn’t watch a minute of this match.
On a lot of levels, this was a match that should never have been scheduled. Someone at UEFA should have had the sense to keep the two countries in separate groups. But this was not done. And thus, the first since 1948 between the two countries who’ve hated each other for at least a century or more teed off in Belgrade with chants of “Fuck Albania!! Kill the Albanians” roaring from the crowd. Then at the 40 minute mark, a drone came buzzing over the Stadion Partizana in Belgrade with an Albanian flag dangling from it….not just an Albanian flag but also verbiage supporting a unity between Albania and Kosovo along with pictures of two Kosovar and Albanian heros. That’s when all hell broke loose and the match was abandoned.
Nothing is terribly simple when it comes to the Balkan nations….and most of it is simply terrible. The big dispute between the two is over Kosovo, which is a province of Serbia (from Serbia’s perspective) and considered the ancestral home of the Serbs. Kosovo, however, has declared independence from Serbia, and is ethnically more Albanian than Serbian. I’m oversimplifying this, I know, but that’s the gist of it.
But another gist to throw in here involves WW2. The Serbs (along with the Montenegrans) were virulently anti-Nazi. Using tried and true guerilla war tactics they plucked off Nazis left and right. The Albanians on the other hand were Nazi and Mussolini sympathizers.
So there’s MORE fuel for the fire.
Well, once the keystone firemen at UEFA piss on the flames of this match, I’m sure they’ll see fit to penalize both squads. I would say ZERO points for both squads for this match. And if there is going to be the other match which would be played in Albania, I would order it played at a neutral site, behind closed doors (with no one in the stands), in a domed stadium. Fly ’em to Dallas. Play the match in Cowboys Stadium. And any Serb or Albanian shows up to cause trouble….well….The Texas Rangers ((and I’m not referring to the baseball team)) will remind them they are in focking TEXAS which shares only 2 letters with Serbia and 1 with Albania.
Anyway, see how easily I can go astray here? But no worries. Another 30 pak is being cracked open and more BBQ Chicken is on the way.
We’ll save the rest of the football stuff for another day, I guess. Though I do have a smile on me face as I recall John O’Shea’s equilizer at the death as Ireland drew 1-1 with Germany.
Well…onward then, to Victory Lane…
It’s Talladega, Baby!! And that means Mario Balotelli wins the GEICO 500
I’m gonna be a homer on this one. Matt Kenseth will win the GEICO 500 at the death.
That my pick.
But realistically, we all know it’s wishful thinking. Plausible, probable, but wishful all the same.
Fock, maybe that Dogecoin sponsored internet sensation Josh Wise ‘ll win it.
The main point to keep in mind is that 4 drivers will be ELIMINATED. And for me and most others, THAT is what will count.
So for it’s not a matter of who wins, it’s a matter of who loses. Obviously I want Jimmie Johnson and Bad Brad to be among those 4 doomed souls. As for other two, well, I’d like to see The Carl sink down there. Any of the rest would be a sad day, but someone good will join the ranks of the damned and the doomed.
Best case scenario for me is that if Matt doesn’t win it, he finshes 2nd and Danica Patrick wins it.
Now THAT would give a whole new meaning to It’s Talladega, Baby!!!
1 thought on “It’s Talladega, Baby!! Fall 2014 ELIMINATOR Edition”
I touched on the argy-bargy surround the Serbia-Albania match this week, but this Guardian article by Richard Williams offers an even better take: http://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/2014/oct/17…