Hey big fella….it’s TALLADEGA!!! And you know what THAT means…..!!
Yes…it’s indeed Talladega, Baby!! And you might know what that means…if this was 2010, that is. But not anymore, I’m afraid. Not anymore. 2011 brings us a Talladega that is going where no Talladega has gone before. Sorry, you monsters…you evil ones…I’m sorry sorry sorry. But as of 2011, Talladega no longer means TITS!! No more nubiles as we’ve been accustomed to seeing. The nubiles now on display are perhaps of a bit more troubling (to some) variety. The wild erotic energy of Talladega has not gone away…but this year the wild erotic energy will be playing for a different team. Not the team we’ve been used to. A different team. Different.
You saw it at the Daytona (Gaytona) 500. And I suppose y’all would rather I use lesbians again this time to illustrate the brave new world of restrictor plate racing. But I feel no compelling need to gloss over the facts when the plain honest truth will do. When the green flag drops on Sunday…the lovers will eventually pair up in 2 car drafts…and none of them will be women.
Who will play butch for Kevin Harvick? Who will blow-dry his hair and make him Happy?
Talladega will never be the same as it was. Yeh…the hallucinogenic roar of the engines will be same. But the resonances will be very different. Just as at Daytona, this year was very different.
And if you’ve driven your RV down there and are camped out for a 5 day weekend, you can pop open another 30 pack of Budweiser, avert your eyes, and carry on as usual. But even in the best of worlds, how could it ever be the same, yes? How can it ever be the same with all boys whispering sweet nothings in each others’ ears over the radio…whisperings such as, “Oh..oh my God Marcus!! I’m OVERHEATING!!! We need to switch positions!!” Yes…that’s EXACTLY what you want to hear when you’re 4 days into your 5th 30 pack.
So…..who will play with Trevor Bayne THIS time?!!
Young Trevor played butch pretty well to win the Gaytona 500 back in February. It was a remarkable 1st Sprint Cup, and there has been quite a bit of buzz about him ahead of tomorrow’s race. The Wood Brothers have a good car prepped for him, and he rolls off the grid in the 11 slot next to Michael Waltrip. No…I really don’t expect a repeat performance from Bayne. There are, as always….too many variables and what-if’s at Talladega…far more than at Daytona. But who knows….maybe Bayne avoids the Big One.
Maybe, with all this boy’s-love going on, there won’t even be a Big One. A Talladega without even a caution ((there have been 3….the last being back in October of 2002)). According to Jeff Burton, there will be a LOT more communicating going on between drivers and their teams….passing little love notes via radio between seme and uke. And if you have to ask what seme (pronounced seh-meh) and uke (pronounced oo-keh) are…you probably don’t want to know. Let’s just say that one (seme) is the top, and the other (uke), the bottom, and leave it right there.
Now you might be thinking: “Schmitty can’t be SERIOUS about this boy’s love thing, right?? I mean, after all, he knows that it IS Talladega, right?? Talla-Freaking-Dega??!! He KNOWS that always means TITS!! Right??”
Well…now that qualifying is over and the Nationwide Aaron’s 312 is already 15 laps in, there is only one way to find out.
Gentlemen…….START YOUR ENGINES!!!!!
Jeff Gordon starts from the pole position.
I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to, and there are many races, like just about every race, that I do want to make that up for. How can you top this one!! That Homo Jeff Gordon and his uni-browed butt buddy Jimmie Johnson start hand-in-hand on the front row! Now isn’t that the sweetest thing?? I couldn’t make that up if I wanted to. Hendrick swept the 2nd row as well, with Junior and Mark Martin teeing off 3 and 4, but most likely certainly NOT holding hands.
But there you go…already the fearful symmetry has begun! With Jeff Gordon rolling out in the ultimate uke position, a gay old time is sure to be had in Alabama tomorrow.
Oh…and about the TITS….I really wasn’t kidding about that. Sorry.
If you have a problem with this, take it up with Mike Helton, John Darby, and Robin Pemberton at NASCAR. Bust them a little email telling that while you have nothing against homosexuality and are all in favour of gay rights and gay marriage and so on, you just don’t feel any compelling need to see it metaphorically played out in all it’s bath-house leather bar glory on the Talladega Superspeedway at speeds of 200 miles an hour.
Junior sez: “I’m hoping this kind of racing goes away fast…”
Before qualifying today, Junior summed it up pretty succinctly, “I’m hoping this kind of racing goes away fast. This is a mess. This is a bunch of crap. Y’all don’t look at it and think it’s strange?”
He’s right, of course….and a lot of folks agree with him. I do, and I’m sure most of y’all who are stuck reading this paean to boy’s love also agree with him. Talladega is just not going to look right, and without the huge roiling pack of mayhem, it won’t sound right. It won’t sound like Talladega. It will just be weird, just as Daytona was weird.
I’m not watching the Aaron 312 as write this. I’m almost afraid to catch a glimpse of what is to come on the grander stage tomorrow. As I type this, Trevor Bayne has the lead on lap 64, and the obsequious Jeff Green retired to the garage 63 laps ago and by now, I’m sure, his eyes hath been plucked out.
It’s Talladega, Baby!! For yaoi fangirls, that is…..
I will, of course be watching the Boy’s Love Fest 499 at Talladega tomorrow. I’m counting on either Junior or Matt Kenseth to win this one and get us on to Darlington as quickly as possible. We just don’t need anything gay to happen, like Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson winning. And let me make this clear once again….I’m not opposed to the gay team ((with the exception of Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon))…I’m all for it, as I said and they are certainly entitled to their victories. It’s just that I don’t play for the gay team and therefore, I’m not rooting for the gay team. I want the gay team to lose. The sooner the two car drafts stop being cute and fascinating, the better.
But since we can’t make it otherwise, I suppose we’ll have to pray to the Gay Gods to at least, for one furious erotic moment, gather up all the little butt-buddies and prison girlfriends together into one seething steambath orgy and let the Big One erupt into an hallucinogenic roar of butt-fucking, cock-sucking and anal-fisting. I mean, if we’re going to have to pluck our eyes out watching this race, then let’s get our money’s worth out of it and be done with it. I think that makes a reasonable amount of sense, yes? As much reasonable amount of sense as can be made in this forum.
See y’all at Darlington in two weeks. I’ll make up for it then. And so will NASCAR.
Be careful when you bend over.
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