It means, as you should know by now, that we are going to engage in a gentlemanly discourse about soccer, Formula 1, the Stanley Cup playoffs, the National Basketball Association, the World Rally Championship, and the applicability of certain Japanese Magical Girl Anime show mascots as plot devices in Space Opera Science Fiction movies. NASCAR, after all, changed the cars. So in the spirit of the new Gen 6 cars, our discourse here is going to change as well.
In no way shape or form are we going to engage in Actions Detrimental To Stock Car Auto Racing. Under no circumstances will I discuss, reveal, or mention anything to do with Talladega Tits; Talladega Titties, or Tits at Talladega. If are expecting to see or discuss any of those things here, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Going forward, we are going to be mature instead of childish. Shakespearean instead of churlish. And civilized instead of juvenile.
In the magical girl show, Magical Princess Minky Momo, Minky Momo is sent to Earth from the planet Fenarinarsa, the Land of Dreams in the Sky. Fenarinarsa is in danger of slipping away from Earth’s orbit and hurling off into space. The reason for this is that us churlish people of Earth have lost and have been losing thier hopes and dreams. Minky Momo is sent here with her mascots Sinbook the dog, Mocha the monkey, and Pipil the bird to help us recover our hopes and dreams. Without these mascots, Momo would…..
Hang on a second. It’s the phone. Hang on a moment.
“Hello…Schmitty here. Yes?”
((It’s Danica Patrick’s agent….I gotta take this. Discuss anime mascots amongst yourselves for moment.))
“Schmitty, where the heck are you?”
“I’m here…discussing anime mascot characters with….”
“Well….forget about that! Don’t you remember? You’re supposed to be here at ‘Dega! Danica is going to be taking a tour down Talladega Boulevard and judging the campsites…and…”
“Sorry…I forgot about that.”
“Well get you butt down here son. You know what Talledaga Boulevard is like….”
“Can’t her boyfriend….?”
“NO!! Absolutely not!”
“Alright, I’ll be there at once.”
Well fellas, I guess the best laid plans once more go astray. I guess there’s no point in putting off the inevitable. But don’t let me stop you. Continue discussing the affability and applicability of Magical Girl Anime Mascots….
Ah screw it!! Hope the fock in the car and let’s GO!!
And yes, it really will happen. It’s not something I just made up. Danica Patrick really WILL take a tour down Talladega Boulevard. I’m not sure who’s bright idea it was to have her do this, but my thinking is that it’s akin to tossing raw mean to bunch of starving lions, wolves, and other beasts. Now far be it for ME to talk, but I’m just saying.
I mean really now. Y’all KNOW it’s gonna be “Hey Danica, Show Us Your Tits!!” from one end of Talladega Boulevard to the other. You can bet ALL of your Mother-in-law’s money on that one.
If the rainy weather breaks at ‘Dega today in time for NASCAR to get the track dried, Danica will tee it from the 4 spot for today’s Aaron’s 312 in the #34 GoDaddy Chevrolet for Turner Scott Motorsports. Her teammates today are Nationwide regulars, Nelson Piquet Jr, Justin Allgeier, and Kyle Larson, who tee it up 16th, 5th, and 19th respectively. Kinda funny that Danica is one of the damn Buschwackers now. Other Buschwackers regulars joining her are Kyle Busch ((pun not intended)), Joey Logano, Kasey Kahne, and ((you would never guess he was a Sprint Cup regular in a million years)), the one and only Landon Cassill.
Travis Pastrana starts from the pole, followed by Austin Dillon, and Trevor Bayne who shares row 2 with Danica. Should be a good race if they can get it in.
As for tomorrow’s Aaron’s 499, rain has delayed qualifying. And if they can’t get that in, then the top 36 cars in owners points automatically qualkify, and their starting order will be based on the highest average speed from the 1st practice. That would put Carl Edwards on the pole, Matt Kenseth would role off 6th, and Danica Patrick would tee it up from 23rd.
As we saw at Daytona, the new Gen 6 car means the end to tandem drafting, and even makes bump drafting a far more perilous and risky tactic.
The front ends have been redesigned making tandem drafting practically impossible while making bump drafting a risky proposition that now requires far more skill and common sense than ever before. And as we all know at Talladega, when push comes to shove, skill goes out the window, along with common sense, dignity, style and culture.
In other words, it’s back to business as usual at Talladega.
And speaking of business as usual….
Chelsea rolled into the Europa Cup final at Amsterdam on May 15th with a 3-1 win (5-2 on aggregate) over Basel at the Bridge on Thursday> They’ll face Benfica at Amsterdam ArenA. Both Chelsea and Benfica were bundled out of the Champions League at the Group stage. As I’ve said before, Chelsea is going to win everything from now on, including tomorrow’s tilt with ManU(re). So we’ll add Champions of Europa to our list of accomplishments then. I have no doubt in my mind about it. So supremely confident I am in Chelsea at the moment, that I don’t even care WHO the next gaffer will be. Mourinho? Pellegrini? Moyes? Klopp? Heynckes? Matters not one bit on the day. I’m absolutely carefree. There. A whole bunch of unreasonable statements rolled into one. KTBFFH!!!
It’s going to be an all-German final in the Champions League at Wembley on May 25th. Bayern Munchen and Borussia Dortmund will square off at Wembley Stadium on May 25th. No secret who I’m rooting for in this match. Die Schwarzgelben uber alles!! While Bayern’s demolition of Barcelona to reach the final was more impressive, Dortmund will win all the Beer and Sauerkraut and Jaegershnitzel in Deutschland. That, plus the trophy that Chelsea will hand over to Dortmund at the conclusion of the tilt. And for doubters I have two words for you: Robert Freakin’ Lewendowski. I have two more words for you: Marco Reus. So….wait! I have TWO MORE!! Mario Götze. Bayern Munchen will be the bridesmaid again this year…. and destined to become the Buffalo Bills or the Minnesota Vike-Queens of the Champions League. I’ll admit it’s a pretty fuckin’ unreasonable assertion. But that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Last Sunday…that would be the 28th of April 2013…the absolute worst match in entire hallowed history of the English Premier League was played at the Madejski Stadium in Reading, England. As you might guess, the final was Reading 0 Queens Park Rangers 0. Now normally I don’t mind a 0-0 draw if it’s hard fought and well-played from start to finish…a tough defensive battle can actually very thrilling to watch….and if it plays out like a drunken slug-fest, all the better. But this sorry excuse for a match between two teams that have already qualified for relegation back to the Championship (one regrettably so, the other deservedly so))…well, the less said, the better. So on with the show!
Orb came out of nowhere, it seemed….like Godzilla being chased by Mecha-Godzilla to win the Kentucky Derby today. If I had been paying attention at all to the Derby this season, I would probably have laid down a 20 on that to happen. IF I was anywhere near an OTB that is. But I hadn’t, and I wasn’t, and Orb won, and everyone was drunk. And that was about it.
Maybe next year.
Well, that’s about it for now. Your trip down Talladega Boulevard complete. Time to break out another 42-pak of NATTY LIGHT and get ready for tomorrow, when the green flag drops, and hallucinogenic roar of the engines shakes it’s victorious fist at the sun.
I’m not even going hazard a guess at who will win this.
Ah…fuck it. Yes I will.
I want to say Matt Kenseth will win it.
But I’m going to say that Paul Menard, another good ol’ Wisconsin boy, will emerge from the wreckage at the end to win. I’ve been making unreasonable statements all day here. One more won’t hurt.
So…NOW I’m done. Rack me, I’m out. Cue the music.