It’s like those old maps from the grand(iose) days of world exploration, where the high seas all around and leading to Brazil and the New World were peppered with warnings Here There Be Monsters. And after yesterday’s World Cup 2014 Draw, the high seas around and approaching Brazil are peppered with these warnings in all directions. The airways as well. Flying monsters fill the skies. And vicious anacondas and wild cannibal tribes lurk in mists of the Amazon jungle….and England’s gaffer Roy Hodgson already fears that his team will be eaten when go there to play Italy on the 14th of June.
World Cup 2014 will be a true Age of Monsters & Death. Despite it being held in Brazil, it’s will be no carnivale.
You knew it when Fernanda Lima joined FIFA stalwart Jerome Valke on the stage at the xxx-xxx ((A Special Glamorous Secret Location on the coast of Brazil just north of Salvador — patrolled for 45 miles around by Brazilian troops and police)) and began speaking in Portuguese. You felt it without even having to have it translated that this World Cup draw was going to break hearts, crush souls, and flood the world with fear. There was a crackling nervousness to the proceedings that was missing 4 years years ago in South Africa. Valke was reduced to cracking foolish little jokes and the assembled footballers seemed loathe to dip their hands in the pots as though the little paper-filled soccer balls were actually piranhas. It was a vaguely uncomfortable and almost hushed proceeding…far less jaunty than the World Cup draw 4 years ago.
The thing of it is this time around, the teams who qualified for the World Cup are almost top to bottom better than last time….and many of the true Monsters of the game were not even counted among the 8 tops seeds. Switzerland being a top seed is truly a puzzlement of sorts. Uruguay, another top seed, struggled in qualifying and had to topple Jordan in a playoff to make it. And our so-called pals, Mexico, is in the World Cup only because the USA (who qualified with thrilling ease) defeated Panama in it’s final qualifying match.
So monstrous is the 2014 World Cup that is has produced not one, but TWO, Groups of Death. Guess who was drawn into one of them.
Group G, the Group Of Death consists of:
Bloody HELL anyway!! We help Mexico get to the World Cup and THIS is the thanks we get?? Mexico gets an easy ride in Group A with Cameroon, Croatia, and Brazil. And we get? THE GROUP OF ANAL-FISTING DEATH!!! The so-called legitimate press will never say that, but we all know that that’s what it is.
I’m so pig-biting mad that I can barely speak, write or think. Whoever picked this group should have had their hands bitten off by piranhas.
Group G stands for Group of DEATH!!
This group is one where everyone in the group should dress up as undertakers and arrive at the pitch is hearses. Instead of the cute little march up the tunnel hand in hand with children and onto the pitch, the cute little children should roll each player in a casket up the tunnel and on to the pitch. Players hop out their casket. Get on with the killing, and then hop back into their caskets and on to the next one.
This group will be a bloodbath by the time it is over.
Christiano Ronaldo might win the Balon D’Or. But our job will be to make sure that the only balloon he wins in Brazil is the Balon Noir de Morts. It will be a rumble in the jungle (pun not intended) with Portugal in Manaus on June 22nd. Of course we need to win this on our own merits, BUT….it would be funny if we hired, say,a good ol’ American band like Cannibal Corpse to play a 24/7 concert at FULL VOLUME in and outside Portugal’s hotel in Manaus, at their training ground, on a float following their bus (hearse) to the pitch, and so on. I don’t know what Cristiano Ronaldo rocks on his iPod…but it probably isn’t Cannibal Corpse or anything like it.
Facking GHANA again?? Opening game in Natal on June 16th. No need to say it, but this game will be OUR World Cup. It will be also Ghana’s World Cup. Ghana is our other arch-nemesis on the World stage. We took care of Mexico, taking 4 of 6 points off them in qualifying. Now it’s time to take care of Ghana. Pluck every Black Star out of the sky and cast them into a swirling Black Hole of DEATH!!!
As for that bug-eyed goof Özil and the rest of Die Mannshaft, we annihilated them once before and we’ll most likely not do it again. If we even pull a point out of this, it will be touted as a win by every rag in New York City and the world.
Everyone in this group should go on to the next round. Unfortunately only two of them will.
Group B consists of:
Australia is as happy as a little kangaroo to be here, so where they were drawn matters naught, I’m afraid. The Socceroos will be the mascot character of this Cage Match of Death that will play out around them. Not that the Socceroos won’t give any of them a game. They will. But I don’t really see them taking any points.
As for the last two standing, they will be ugly, unrecognizable, and drenched in shining blood. I won’t even speculate on who emerges from that spectacle. At the last World Cup, Spain and the Netherlands played the most ugly and brutal soccer match ever witnessed on the face of the Earth up to and since that point. The two meet in their opening match June 13th in Salvador.
It’s Chile that makes this a group of death ((note the small letters here, as Group G is only TRUE GROUP OF DEATH)). They’re a not a familiar name in the international game, but they have talent and are very dangerous. Striker Alexis Sánchez plays for Barça and is tied with Messi for goals scored on the season. Midfielder Arturo Vidal is the engine that drives Juventus…Juve tops the Serie A table and Vidal is 2nd in scoring for Juve with 6 goals (topped only by noted Oasis fan Carlos Tevez with 7). Chile will be dangerous, and despite being the faves, Spain and Netherlands are vulnerable. Especially when Chile is a country where their greatest poet writes about thus:
Ah son, do you know, do you know where you come from? From a lake with white and hungry gulls. Next to the water of winter she and I raised a red bonfire wearing out our lips from kissing each other's souls, casting all into the fire, burning our lives. That's how you came into the world.
All I can say is LOOK THE FUCK OUT!!
Poor Little England.
England was drawn into Group D. And while in this case D does NOT stand for Death, the group is not the EASY one that England was drawn into last time.
This is NOT a Group of Death:
- Costa Rica
If the letters UICE or and combination thereof could spell the word EASY in Spanish or Italian, that would be the headlines in all the papers from Montevideo to Milan. This group is a two horse race. The only question is which horse will cross the finish line first to get the favoured seed for the next round. If Suarez and Balotelli can run with blinkers on, then we’re in for a thrilling fight to the finish. If they run with blinkers off, then we’re in for an even MORE thrilling fight for the finish.
And I’m sorry England. You fancy yourself a monster, but monsters don’t have feelings. So why do you have tears in your eyes? Whinging about a Group O’ Death and an opening match against Italy on June 14th in the hot scary jungle? I’ll be rooting for Costa Rica to finish you gits off in Belo Horizonte on the 24th.
Then again, it would be be even MORE amusing if all the matches in this group were draws except for Costa Rica/England. Costa Rica would finish top of the group.*laughs all around*
Not too bloody likely though, except for Cost Rica toppling England.
Group C is not a Group of Death. Instead, it will be a Group of Excitement!! That’s because Group C contains Japan!
Here’s Group C for those of you keeping score at The Grumpy Troll in downtown Mt. Horeb, Wisconsin:
- Cote d’Ivoire
What does Didier Drogba think about this group he’s in?
Japan’s take on their group runs about thus:
If there was any justice or reward for our kindness in saving Mexico’s ass, the USA would have drawn into one of these Groups of Leisure instead of THE Group Of Death®.
Group A: Brazil, Cameroon, Mexico, Croatia — USA instead of Mexico there. Mexico should have offered to switch with us. THAT would have been the kind thing to do.
Group E: Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras, France — USA instead of Honduras there. Nothing against Honduras, but…we’re the focking USA goddamit!!
Group H: Belgium, Algeria, Korea Republic, Russia — USA instead of S. Korea in this one.
Group F: Argentina, Nigeria, Iran, Bosnia-Herzegovina — USA instead of Iran here.
I would take ANY of these over Group G. But that was the draw. So no whining and crybaby for the USA. Just heads down and WIN!!
But it sure would have been nicer in, Group E
The faultiness and weaknesses of the squad were more than evident last season. Only the alchemy of Sir Alex could keep it together enough last season. Nothing was done to deal with the inadequacies before this season began and now the bride has been stripped bare.
But in the interest of fairness, Chelsea also got their arses pasted 3-2 at Stoke on Saturday. So misery and monsters abound.
Shit and death are everywhere.
So be careful when you bend over.