The Sporting Life

Chelsea Death Squad

Steven Universe
Steven UniverseI know EVERYTHING about English Premier League Fantasy Football — You just wait and see!!


Well….all I know is that some bleedin’ gob has started Zlatan, Agüero, and Middlesbrough’s Christian Stuani in his starting lineup today and to that bleedin’ gob I say, “Fuck you!”

I also know that my EPL Fantasy Football team, Pendarvis AFC is getting off to its title defense ((yes, I won my league last season1)) much like Chelsea did last season. And we all know how well that went.

ALL the usual suspects are ambling on to the pitch…squatting down, and taking a massive shit.  Jamie Vardy. Harry Kane. Philipe Coutinho. Riyad Mahrez. I figured them good for the long haul…but after 2 match days, it’s almost squeaky bum time, and an imperial stench fills the air. I wish that I had a Chelsea Death Squad to bring in off the bench.

I’d figured I could get through to the closing of the Summer transfer window before using my Wild Card to rebuild a bit — I did that last season and I went on to a 1st place finish. But never did I flirt with the relegation zone.

Yet here I am, after 2 loses in a row, staring up from 19th place after this boggling shit went down: Leicester 0-0 ArseAnal; Burnley 2-0 Liverpool (yes, you read that right — focking BURNLEY!!); Tootenham 1-0 Crystal Palace (Lads, it was Crystal Palace….couldn’t Kane have scored at least one goal to go with Wanayama’s? I know he got the assist, but….).

Now it looks like my reboot might happen before gameday 3 kicks off. The only question is will Jamie Vardy still be in the squad.

boogers, mateBoogers, Mate!!!




Chelsea Death SquadBring On The Chelsea Death Squad!!


The Chelsea Death Squad. I like the sound of it. Very cool and menacing ring to it. It could very well be the name of a Velvet Underground/Dinosaur Jr. tribute band.2 But it’s not. It’s a tactic employed by our gaffer Antonio Conte in the 2nd half of our first 2 matches that has brought 2 wins so far on the trot.3

I’m sure it’s not a tactic he wants to use. And if the Chelsea Death Squad never makes another appearance all season ((except at your local pub down in Blanchardville WI where they’ll open their set with “Bulbs Of Passion” and end it with “Pale Blue Eyes”.)), I would be as happy as John Terry wearing a training cone for a hat.

But here’s the deal. We gotten behind or were level in both games this season so far. In the opening match against West Ham, John Collins equalized (which is just about as likely as me sitting here at my desk in Mineral Point WI USA! USA!! USA!! equalizing) and it was suddenly squeaky bum time as the Hammers were getting the better of us. So…..Enter the Chelsea Death Squad….Victor Moses ((yes, THAT Victor Moses)) for Eden Hazard and Michy Batshuayi for Oscar. And VOILA!! The Chelsea Death Squad went to work, and Diego Costa won it AT THE DEATH 4 just as if he were a very ugly Grant Holt.

This Saturday, matchday 2 found us up at the Vicarage in Watford. Watford went up 1-0 on a sweet shot by Etienne Capoue at the 55th minute. And for the first 70 minutes, Watford pretty much opened and owned our arses but good. But then…..wait for it………….wait for it…..5


Enter the Chelsea Death Squad!!!


Victor Moses on for Pedro at the 71st. Michy on for Oscar at the 73rd. And Cesc replaced Matic at the 78th.

So at the 80th minute, all the clarion bells of England rang as Michy fapped a poacher’s goal into back of the net. And as you might have guessed by now, UGLY Grant Holt ((that would be Diego Costa if you haven’t been paying attention)) won it AT THE DEATH.

And Chelsea ran out 1-2 winners.6

Steven Universe“Playing like this and winning this way does have a more of a Championship feel to it.”

To be honest, I rather not have to do this week in and week out, but if this is how Chelsea has to play to get back on track and win, then bring it on!! Eventually though, the bad habits that make the Chelsea Death Squad necessary have to be broken.


Chelsea Death Squad


  1. I must admit, however, that despite being the 1 seed in the playoff I was boosted by the #4 seed, but…I won the regular season title, dammit!!
  2. And why didn’t I ever think of THAT before!? I don’t know. You tell me.
  3. Take a drink.
  4. on Michy’s assist
  5. Like the great Milwaukee Brewers reliever Trevor Hoffman striding in from the bullpen to save the game as “Hell’s Bells” resounded through the stadium…
  6. Take a drink!

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