Nicklas Bendtner eating a yogurt.
“It’s been awhile mate, yes?’ he said. I’m approximating his inflection ofcourse, since his actual speech would be more of a Danish accent, but what the fock….it’s all for review and information purposes only so it gets the job done. Onward.
“Yes…well….hmmmm.” My reply was simply a matter of fact acknowledgement on my divergence and shiftless laziness and all that dross since an entire month of the sporting life has blossomed and not a bouquet or a piece of fruit has been plucked. No words, only illusory thoughts. “That’s a yogurt you have, right? Not an ice cream as some have alleged?”
“You know when you said it’s been awhile, it briefly flashed to (my) mind that I was once going to ask you and Joey Barton to give me and my alleged readership your thoughts on, I believe it was, NASCAR.”
“NASCAR…? Joey Barton? Both of us??”
“Yes…..I was even gong to have my reader(s) vote on it, but I ran out of time…..so I took the easy way out and did it myself.”
“I….I don’t know fuck all about NASCAR.”
“I was counting on that.”
What the fock do these two bellends know about NASCAR?
Those were different days. But very similar to now for these two lads. Barton was playing his trade at QPR who was going to be relegated that season. Bendtner’s promising career was floundering at ArseAnal under the weight of his own fucktardery….followed by further fucktardery on loan at Wolfsburg And Joseph Barton will always be, and still is, Joseph Barton.
QPR is back in the Championship from when it came. Barton is no longer there. He’s on the payroll of Pope’s NewCo Rangers who are finally back in the Scottish Premiership, and he currently serving a club suspension for his loquacious eloquence.
Bendtner is on his last chance to revive a career that once held so much promise. He was picked up on a free by the once great, and now quite pedestrian, Nottingham Forest currently holding the 15th spot in the Championship on 11 points after 9 matches.
His first Championship appearance, as a 59th minute substitute for Apostolos Vellios in a 1-2 defeat by my Canaries was just as pedestrian as his squad’s performance and amounted to fuck all. But his third match, and his first start, a 1-1 draw with Fulham was a different story.
“Hey….did I tell you?? I got my first goal for Forest…!!”
“Emm…I was going to get to that….”
“They started ME instead of the so-called prettyboy Vellios! My first start, my first goal! I’m on my way!!”
“Yes….quite a record setter as I understand…”
“Yes….it was your first goal scored in England since leaving ArseAnal…..1,000 days to the DAY since you scored that….well…I wont say it was a cracker, against Cardiff. I’m not sure about the hour or minute…..wait….I’ll check….ok…ok….at the 88th minute….at the DEATH so to speak…unassisted. You do know, right, that even if Cardiff had beaten y’all, they STILL would have been relegated that season, yes? Now….let’s see…..Your match with Cardiff started at 15:00 and with stoppage time and halftime figured in, you scored that goal sometime between, say, 16:43 and 16:53. Your match with Fulham was a later start. 19:45 or thereabouts so that means you scored your first England goal in 1,000days at around 21:05 say…we’re not going to quibble over 4 hours and change……2 1/2 years to the day is close enough. But….really now…is that…?” I was going to say, is that a record your really want to have, but was interrupted by:
“Balon D’Or stuff!! Lord Bendtner is back!!! Yogurt?”
Sparky shows them the way….
Sparky and Mr. David Moyes and whoever replaces Francesco Guidolin and/or Michael Phelan are holding team meetings to fire the lads up, but the way they’re pointing is down down down and not a jump from League One to the Championship. One or several or all of the above will be basking, and not basking comfortably, in their Championship Years this time next season.
I know it’s early days, as they say in England, but the handwriting is scrawled all over the wall. None of the teams I predicted to go down are in the relegation zone. But as I said.
The trend, however, is not looking good for some perennial mid-table pluggers….especially Stoke. The cold rain night in Stoke is quickly becoming a thing of myth, apocrypha, and a fading, ancestral, tribal memory.
I mention this now only because the Championship Years are waiting for them with open arms, with Tractor Boys, with Nasty Leeds, and Nicklas Bendtner.
Nicklas Bendtner, or Nicklas Bendtner look-alike? That’s for y’all to decide.
I Am Here. Newcastle 4 Norwich 3
The FOCK happened here?? I was writing this up at Fat Boy Slim’s in Mineral Point WI sipping on Old Tankard Ale and munching a few Bruno beef sticks. watching Barca v Gladbach, And my last look-in on the score showed us up 2-3.
Barca finally slipped past Gladbach who led 1-0 for much of the match. Final was 1-2. So I thought to check the final from St. James Park and toast our success. And what the actual FOCK!!
The Fat Spanish Waiter and his Night Porters won it AT THE DEATH!!
What and who do the think they are??!! Ugly Grant Holts????
VERY Ugly Grant Holts…!!
I’m almost tempted to take Nicklas Bendtner up on his offer of a yogurt.
But….Nah. Fuck that. I’m havin’ another beer. And if you’ve read this far, so are you.