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The Brickyard 400, un-Twittered, de-Tumblrd, dis-Pinterested 2013 Edition

I'm with stupidThe Green Bay Packers have opened training camp


Yes. It’s that time of the year. The Green Bay Packers have reported to training camp at St. Norbert’s College in De Pere, Wisconsin. So far, so good. This will most likely be the only time I will mention or discuss the NFL on this bloog for the remainder of the season. I can promise you that. But if our Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl this season, which I expect them to do, I WILL interrupt my Speedweeks coverage leading up the next year’s Daytona 500 to offer a congratulatory word.

So Go Pack Go!!



the gaddamn batman4

thegoddamn batman3

the goddamn batman2

the goddamn batmanNow, I’m The Goddamn Batman!!


When Christian Bale said he would not reprise his Batman role in the upcoming Justice League movie, I thought to myself, “Bloody hell!! Have I got the perfect solution!”

It solves pretty much everything.

Get Gareth Bale to do it! He’s somewhat (or he can be) handsome enough to play Batman and Bruce Wayne ((except for this picture, perhaps)). CHECK!! He’s as fit as a butcher’s dog so special effects costume isn’t needed!! CHECK!! And how much real acting does it take to play Batman, anyway?? CHECK!! Also, it takes the punters and British and Spainish media off the Gareth Bale to Real Madrid transfer rumours.CHECK and DOUBLE-CHECK!!!

So….Hollywood.…..SIGN HIM UP!! Before Real Madrid or Fake Madrid or god-forbid some Serie A squad with racist fans pries him loose from Tootenham despite all of AVB’s protestations to the contrary.

As of this writing (as opposed to as of your reading) there is an £85 million ((that $131 million for those of you propping your eyes open with toothpicks as I write this to watch the Hungarian Gran Prix—Lap 43 of 70 and Hamilton still holds the lead)) bid on the table for Gareth Bale…a bid that both AVB and Daniel Levy are pretending does not exist…like a voicemail from a collection agency you leave on your phone three weeks before deleting it. That’s a world record transfer fee for Bale. Insane for football, but not insane for Hollywood.

So take THAT Daniel Levy! Take THAT AVB! Real Madrid wants to become Tootenham South, so be it.


Speaking of The Biff…





John Henry£40 million (plus 1 quid) for The Biff???       DEAL!!


Arsenal triggered the buyout clause in Luis Suarez’s contract with a £40,ooo,oo1 bid. Now John Henry and Brendan Rodgers have to inform the poor lad that Arsenal has an interest in his services.

“Really….REALLY?” Suarez said, when informed of this news. “I never ever KNEW!! Imagine that!! Arsenal actually WANTS me!!

“Well, son….” Brendon Rodgers exclaimed, “If you think for a moment that you can actually go there just because they offered us 40 million plus a quid….you can just bite me!”

“Really Boss?? I can?”

“Ha ha ha……”

“Heh  heh heh…..”

Laughs all around.

John Henry and Liverpool are going to hold firm on this for the moment. No DEAL!!

But….wait a few weeks and I’m sure a deal will be done.

Meanwhile, John Henry has other fish and chips to fry. Rumours surfaced today that Liverpool was on the market for £350 million. Evidently Luis Suarez is worth 1/7th of the total valuation of Liverpool FC since that’s what John Henry and Brendon Rodgers really want from Arsenal. £50 million. Obviously, someone goofed up here.

Maybe it was Roush Fenway that was on the market for £350 million ((LOL!!)).  That would set the NASCAR world on it’s ear!! First Toyota, and now a Saudi Arabian oil firm?? Hell, and BLOODY HELL!!

£40 million (plus 1 quid) for The Carl??       DEAL!!

£40 million (plus 1 quid) for Danica Patrick’s Boyfriend??     HELL FOCKING YES you’ve got a DEAL!! And we’ll even throw in Jack Roush’s Hat!

Laughs all around…..etc.

The Biff, meanwhile, runs out in 27th for today’s Brickyard 400. The Carl takes the green flag in 3rd, while Danica’s Boyfriend rolls off 25th.

Newman leads the charge with Kenseth trailing in 13th and Danica shoving off in 33rd.

Like the transfer bid from Arsenal, Luis Suarez doesn’t even know that the Brickyard 400 exists. Perhaps someone should bust him a phone call, tell him to turn on his television, kick back, pop a beer, and wait for the checkered flag.




valvrave_02_10Aktobe 2      Hødd 0


Another thrilling tale from the grim shitholes of Eastern Europe. In this case, Kazakhstan, which is considered Europe by virtue of it’s UEFA membership and not by any cognitive sense of geography. On the surface of it, Norway got hosed, both on the field and off. Aktobe 2-0 win at home put them through 2-1 on aggregate and they move on to the Europa League’s 3rd Qualifying Round where they will face the mighty Icelanders of Breiðablik Kópavogur ((another team that is not Stjarnan)).

Norway launched howls of protest of the match since the Kazakh authorities “somehow” didn’t approve visas for Hødd’s two best players, thus depriving them of a good solid chance to win and move on. It seemed, at first, that Hødd were unjustly done in by a corrupt former Soviet Socialist Republic who cheated their way to a win.

Oh the poor, pure Norwegians, and all that!!

Turns out, that when Aktobe visited Norway for the opening leg, it was the Norwegian authorities who didn’t approve visa for a couple of Aktobe’s key players. No one seemed to make a fuss about that at the time. But when it was time for the return leg, Kazakhstan took care of it’s business, both on and off the pitch.

I don’t know if there’s a Norwegian word for kharma, but somewhere, I’m sure, the Kazakhstani version of Loki is laughing his ASS off.

See? I even got this one in without any reference to Borat.   LOL!!



clannad1Borussia Dortmund 4     Bayern München 2


Well, as I finish typing this on my Adler J-5 in order to escape the prying eyes of the NSA and other para-fascist organizations that thrive on making the rest of the world miserable, the Brickyard 400 is about to begin. You will note, of course, that I am writing almost nothing about the actual race, with the exception of what I’ve already written in the context of the Luis Suarez transfer saga. Obviously, you know who has won, but as I write this, I can only guess. more winners have come from the 3rd starting position than from any other position of the field. And since that 3rd starting spot is held by The Carl. I don’t want to guess that. So….with no regard for who I actually WANT to win, I’m going with Juan Pablo Montoya to atone for his stupid mistake in 2009 and take the win. No more unreasonable than any other expectation.

Also of note, I have mentioned absolutely nothing about my 3 favourite teams: Chelsea; Norwich City; or Borussia Dortmund. I will take care of that little oversight now.

Chelsea has been tearing it up on the pre-season tour of Asia. Torres will be joining up with them shortly as they jet off to America for the Guinness Cup competition. Jose and the lads are all happy as little girls….quite a change from the grim and tense days of last season. The only piece of the puzzle to finish is…..wait for it………..ROONEY!!!!

Norwich City has been making a big-time splash in the transfer market. They’ve picked up Ricky Van Wolfswinkel, and just landed Gary Hooper, from Celtic. Norwich, despite losing Grant Holt, will be absolute loaded this next season. Bloody hell….they just might qualify for Europe as long as they keep strong at the back.

As for Borussia Dortmund, while they’ve lost Mario Götze to Bayern München, they added Pierre Aubameyung, Henrikh Mhkitaryan, and defender Sokratis Papastathopoulus. The German pundits and fans feel that Dortmund has done the best job in the transfer market. This past Saturday, Dortmund defeated München 4-2 on a brace by Marco Reus to take the German Super Cup.

There. Since Lewis Hamilton went wire to wire to win the Hungarian Gran Prix by a country mile….and also since I’m right out of beer….plus I hate social media such as Twitter, Tumblr ((actually, Tumblr’s not to bad to take a look at)), Pinterest and so on even more than I hate music. I’m getting a vibration so I’m going pull into the garage, park the sled, and stroll down the hill to the Firehouse Bar & Grill for a cold one. And if you get a hold of Suarez, tell him to get his Uruguayan ass down there for one….but don’t tell him he’s buying. After all, he’ll soon have more money than all of us put together.

Laughs all around.


R.I.P      J.J. Cale  1938-2013

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