“I have to come to here give your great news…”
Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines. Danicamania is here at last!! Yes, Evil Ones, Danica Patrick is finally here to save NASCAR. It’s real. It’s happening. It’s happening in the happening world. Scanalyze that name!! Christ, what an imagination I have!! There’s the obligatory GoDaddy.com video. Ditto!! She will be racing a part-time schedule in 2010 driving the #7 GoDaddy.com Chevrolet for JR Motorsports. Snappy!! Her first official stock car race will be the ARCA race at Daytona on Feb 6, 2010. Fabulous!! A smart move all the way around. A boost for NASCAR. Fuck that limp dick Drive For Diversity bullshit! It’s DANICAMANIA, Baby!! I can’t hardly wait!!
But I got to thinking about that news conference where they made the announcement with GoDaddy CEO Bob Parsons and Kelly Earnhardt from JR Motorsports. If you go watch that video again, it seemed rather forced, strained, and far less entertaining that what you’d expect from an over-the-top company like GoDaddy.com….not that I was expecting to see Danica Patrick and Kerry Earnhardt mud-wrestle naked and take a shower together mind you. But it seemed almost amatuerish, unexpectedly so. Like something a couple of interns threw together at the last minute. And I think one of the interns forgot to make the applause sign….I mean, how hard is THAT….what does it take…a big red magic marker and a chunk of poster board? After all, Bob Parsons has a video blog wtf!! Hmmmm…..I wonder what’s missing from this picture. Remind me to keep an eye on the emotional dynamics underlying this as the weeks and days roll merrily along.
What they REALLY should have done is had a press conference done up like an episode of Queen For A Day. With Bob Parsons as Jack Bailey, and Kelly Earnhardt as fashion commentator. And if they could have gotten Junior himself up to wearing those goofy nerdy glasses announcer Gene Baker wore…it would have been perfect!!
Bob Parsons: “Would YOU like to be Queen for a day?”
Danica Patrick: “Oh yes, Bob. I really REALLY would!”
Bob: “So…what would you like if you’re elected our Queen?”
Danica: “I want to win the Daytona 500 and the Sprint Cup Championship and the Indy 500 and the IRL Championship. And that…that meanie, Dan Wheldon is….such a BEANDOG!! “
((Pssst! Cue that Applause Meter, interns!!))
Bob: “I now crown you Queen Danica….Queen For A Day!!”
And as Danica Patrick and Kelly Earnhardt walk off together into a brave new future…while Bob Parsons posts on his video blog his NEW trademark slogan: “Make every woman a queen, for every single day!”…. it should be duly noted that there is also a new King that hath been crowned.
And he doesn’t seem to be the happiest of Kings…
For every crown a King…and so?
((Yiiiiikes!! Just pluck mine eyes out NOW!!!)) And as the perky jingle for Old Gold Cigarettes fades out, we return to our show.
” Matt Kenseth, would YOU like to be Queen For A Day?”
“Hell yes I would, Jack”
“So…what would you like if you’re elected our Queen?”
“I want the DeWalt sponsorship back. I want Robbie Reiser as my crew chief…I mean Blick is a good guy and all…but I really want Robbie Reiser back. And then there’s The Carl….I mean, why can’t The Carl go over to Earnhardt/Childress? Then McMary could stay here and keep his Crown Royal ride. He’s more of a Crown Royal guy than I am Jack. I mean…when Smirnoff sponsored me a few years ago the guys at Heather’s Bar in Rockdale gave me all kinds of shit about it…defaced my NASCAR poster with a beard and moustache and called me Yakov Smirnoff and all that. Just think of what I’m going to get NOW when I go home to Wisconsin. King Kenseth??”
“You’d rather be Queen for a Day?”
“Hell yes, Jack.”
Meanwhilst…..elsewhere in the World of NASCAR, Danica Patrick’s announcement was met with both guarded enthusiasm (David Caraviello & Duane Cross) and outright skepticism (Joe Menzer, you know who the hell you are) by a few of NASCAR’s pundits.
Menzer really irks me….not when he says: “Raise your hand and scream if you’ve had it with Danicamania.” What gets me is when he immediately adds: “Raise both hands and scream like a little girl, if you must.” I mean…come on, Joe….is that simile even necessary? Try rephrasing that as a metaphor, at least. Or write a haiku about it. Menzer then goes on to compare Danica Patrick with Paris Hilton: “Not to be mean or anything, but she’s sort of like the Paris Hilton of racing: famous for being famous.” I mean, what can I say to that! I’m sure that’s exacrly what Junior was thinking when he hired her….since he’s just famous for being famous too, right Joe? *hrrrr*
But fear not!!
Nationwide Series Champion Kyle Busch thinks Danica will do fine in NASCAR. “I think she’ll do OK. It’s definitely tough to come over from such a different kind of racing. But she’s going to have a lot of great help from Dale Jr. and the rest of the folks at JR Motorsports. I wish her the best.”
So there you have it. I have come to here to give your great news. If you feel down see and talk to us. Maybe you will be happy.
Stage-diving to Daydream Believer? WTF?? That’s awesome!!