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Idol Speculation


idle1Idle Speculation Is About To Start!         It’s Like A Dream!!


Speculation is a constant in sports journalism. Who will win the focking ballgame being the most common form.

For example, the Chicago Blackhawks took game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals last night by a 3-1 score on 2 goals by Patrick Kane. The Blackhawks now hold a 3-2 series lead going into game 6 out in Boston and have momentum. Patrice Bergeron is out injured for the Bruins. But so is Jonathan Toews from the Blackhawks. Can the Blackhawks clinch their 2nd Stanley Cup in 3 years in Boston Monday night? Discuss amongst yourselves.

The most endemic speculation however is that which occurs post-season, pre-season, in-between-the-season.

Baseball has had a long tradition of this with the Hot Stove League.

NASCAR has Silly Season. And for an early start to that, let’s ponder the future and fate of Bobby Labonte in light of the #51 team being shut down after the Brickyard 400.

And now that Miami’s LeBron Jones has put a pair of trousers on that old dog D Wade and delivered the head of Tim Duncan on a stick and placed it at the feet of Chris Bosh and The Birdman, NBA rumours will come flying fast furious ahead of the NBA draft this coming Thursday night. WHO will the facking Milwaukee Bucks pick!!??

So there’s THREE sports that aren’t association football for you to speculate on.



1. I’m A Terrifying True Vampire!!







Look at me SPARKLE!!


It seems likely that the English Press, which as we know is nothing but PURE EVIL, might not have Luis Suarez, who insists he is just a benign stuffed animal, to kick around anymore.

The questions for speculation is when, to where, and for how much. Liverpool is set to keep him on, although they’ve covered their bets just in case. They’ve also prepared themselves for the offers that might come in from anywhere ((though not from Queens Park Rangers)) , at anytime. Amidst all the cheap talk, patter and jive. nothing has been offered for him yet.

Real Madrid might swoop for him. Rafa Benitez, yes THAT Rafa Benitez, now comfortably ensconced at Napoli, is said to want to have a go at getting him, since Edison Cavani, Napoli’s current genius striker and Suarez’s teammate on the Uruguayan national team, is rumoured to be off to Chelsea, Man City and god knows where else ((except for Queens Park Rangers)).

Wherever Suarez winds up, it certainly wont be a case of out of sight, out of mind. After all Mario Balotelli and Joey Barton haven’t been forgetten, unlike Brent Favre and LeBron Jones. Maybe Suarez will finally grow up, just like Mario Balotelli has. Wait, what??!

Meanwhile, Suarez, Cavani, Diego Forlan and the rest of the Uruguayan national team are not having the best go of it in World Cup Qualifying and the Confederations Cup. Uruguay and Nigeria are ties for 2nd on 3 points in the Group B of the Confederations Cup. Uruguay does seem more likely to move on, however, as they face Tahiti while Nigeria has a go at Spain. But in the South American WC Qualifiers, they are 5 points off the pace for automatic qualification. They’re ties with Venezuela at 16 points for the Intercontinental playoff spot with a game in hand. Basically they need to win out and have either of Ecuador or Chile to lose out to automatically qualify ((I know it’s a lot simpler than that…but bear with me)). Most likely result will be that Uruguay will finish in the playoff spot and will have duke it out with either of Jordan or Uzbekistan to get to the World Cup….a fairly sad and remarkable predicament for a team that was a standout in the last World Cup and played a wonderful consolation game with Germany that was the highlight of the 2010 World Cup.



2. Everyone’s Making Such Cute Poses







idle7Gareth Bale™ strikes his trademark goal celebration pose!!®


Lost perhaps amidst the transfer rumours and other lunacy surrounding Gareth Bale’s alleged/supposed move to real Madrid for £100 million, that, plus PSG attempted swoop for gaffer Andre Villas-Boas who AVB Project 2.0 at Tootenham (pun intended) seems to be proceeding nicely, yes, lost amongst all that was/is Gareth Bale’s desire to trademark, as in registered trademark with legal consequences, his Heart-Shaped Hand Goal Celebration.

Really now Gareth. Really now….

What the fuck are you thinking? Registered trademark for THAT??

Kei Kamara has been doing that in the MLS for ages now….before you started doing it.

Not to mention whole generations of Japanese Anime and Manga idols and magical girls from the days before you were born. Do you REALLY want a piece of Aikatsu! episodes 16 & 17?

You’re a good football player, Gareth…but you’re not THAT damned good just yet. Stay in your lane, Gareth. Stay in your lane.



3. We Must Ever Be Moving Onward
idle2“People Of Earth….I Have News About Wayne Rooney.”


Wayne Rooney signed with Chelsea today for the transfer consideration of $1 along with Fernando Torres and his expiring contract, whenever it expires. This will be a remarkable fit, People of Earth, in Jose Mourinh0 The Special One’s scheme of things…like tactics, strategy, starting lineups, and things like that. Wayne Rooney will now wear blue. And Fernando Torres will now wear red, just like he did when he was with Liverpool, only different. Unless, ofcourse, Rafa steps in with some additional cash expiring contracts, in which case then, Torres will still wear blue, only a different and lighter colour of blue.

In other Manchester United news, People of Earth, Landon Donovan has been liberated from the limelight of the “Unidentified Fan”  and will replace Nani in midfield. David Moyes had always wished that Donovan would have come to Everton on a permanent basis, and now that Moyes is at Manchester United, his wish will finally come true. Plus, he’ll fit right in with that Thiago Alcantara dude, whoever he is.

I have received a coded secret message, People of Earth, regarding Stephen Ireland, whose reign of £30,000/week chav-tastic terror at Aston Villa ((that’s in Birmingham, you know)) is about to come to a futile and curious end. But I’ve misplaced my decoder ring so I can only speculate as to what the message actually is. Something, some kind of radiation bouncing on what you call the ionosphere only you People of Earth can truly understand, tells me that this friendly, rainy place called Stoke is involved somehow. Like Wayne Rooney, he will also be wearing a different coloured uniform next season as I understand. I only hope those Stoke folks don’t give him any more money since he really doesn’t know how to spend it properly. If I could have decoded the secret message, I could have told you that someone else is coming to Aston Villa to play Yoda to all the players since Stephen Ireland, despite his charity work, and not up to playing Yoda.

People of Earth!! It has come to my attention that a young fellow named Curtis Davis has just been press-ganged into a move from Birmingham FC in the 2nd largest city in England, to the newly promoted Hull City FC. As I recall from one of your stereophonic record albums that was broadcast across the void to my ship that was docked just beyond the orbit of your now relegated planet, Pluto, ((while my helmet was reinforced to bear your atmospheric pressure—our helmets are VERY nitrogen sensitive)) that Hull once beat London 4-0. I’m not at all certain which London they were beating by that score, but our data indicates that Hull will be opening their new premier league season  in London, playing Chelsea at Stamford Bridge (which happens to be in London). It doesn’t seem likely that that will happen ever again.

Finally, People of Earth, it seems clear to us for some reason that all of the following players will be playing in the United States next season:

  • Christiano Renaldo
  • Victor Moses
  • Eldin Adilović
  • Jonas Gutierrez
  • Maicon
  • Fred
  • Grant Holt
  • Thomas Vermaelen
  • Scott Sinclair
  • Dimitar Berbatov
  • Uwa Elderson Echijille
  • Douglão
  • Wanderson
  • Cleiton Xavier
  • Johnny Evans
  • Frank Lampard
  • Hulk
  • Andriy Arshavan
  • Robert Zulj
  • Solomon Kalou
  • Stefan Kießling
  • Danny Graham
  • Peter Odemwingie

That is all, People of Earth. I bid you good evening.



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