AnimeDull Tedious ShiteGiant RobotsI Hate MusicNASCAR

A Mutant League

mutant league

This brief document is fairly typical of my almost weekly e-mails that I’ve been sending to a few of my NASCAR buddies, and a several others whose divergent tastes might allow them to find some brief amusement in them. The particular missive posted below was written and sent on June 28th 2009. I’ve been doing this for several years and will make some notional effort to post them here as well. After all, that IS why I switched to WordPress. I was using Blogger and I have a few of these posted there, but I’m safe in assuming that they will appears here as soon as I import all the dull tedious shite from my old blog to this brave and terrible new place in the sun.

The sullenness and contempt that gave it’s seething light to this blog over 8 years ago burns just as brightly today. But enough about me.


Evil Ones—

Let’s get THIS one out of the way and out of our systems right now.

After all, do I really need to explain that strange conga line that came moon-walking backwards down Main Street and round the corner down 2nd Street past the Troll Inn, and yes, even The Grumpy Troll, rounding up all the usual suspects & more, and into the The Firehouse here in Mount Horeb where all the aforementioned usual suspects & more gathered around the Touch Tunes Jukebox with crumpled dollar bills and cans of MOUNTAIN CREEK in their little fists of fury, clamoring for their opportunity to play the most obscure Michael Jackson songs available….songs people had never heard in years, if at all while meanwhile, amidst the ghoulish images on the television screens, an announcer on one the networks, well, announced, that “No, despite rumours to the contrary, the radio station KLVS in Cut & Shoot, Texas, which changed it call letters from KIHS and it’s format from All Jesus Music All The Time to All Elvis, All The Time on the day Elvis died (and has been doing so ever since), was NOT going to change it’s call letters KMJK and play All Michael Jackson, All The Time… fact, they’re not going to play any Michael Jackson music at all”??

No, I really don’t.

mutantleague4 mikejack1 mutantleague10

“I just want to say that despite rumours to the contrary, that I did NOT die from prescription drug use like that old fat ass Elvis Presley did. I died because I ate a 10 year old wiener.”


In more important news….

Formula 1 narrowly averted becoming the CART/IRL of Europe. There were real rumblings, which for Europe, is saying something, from the elite F1 teams that they were going to break away from F1 and form CART Europe (or EuroCART) or (EuC) some such, leaving F1 to scrap and scrape for the crumbs left behind by the EuroTrash.

f1 a-laws lol 1

F1’s so called brain trust,  Bernie “Sod Off Indianapolis Motor Speedway” Ecclestone
and Max Mosley who are the Brian France Jr. and Mike Helton of F1, would have been
forced to crawl across the Atlantic on their hands and knees and beg for Kyle and Danica,
and for Robbie Gordon, and yes, even John Feakin’ Andretti to PRETTY PLEASE join
our Mutant League.

f1 a-laws lol 2

Bernie and Max would EVEN have had to add TWO U.S. Gran Prix’s
to the schedule. (Probably)  Maybe even 3!!


“This Formula 1 shit is really fuckin’ FASCINATING!!”

F1 Meisters LOL

But, fortunately (or UN-fortunately depending on your perspective)
cooler heads prevailed and the top F1 teams and their drivers returned
to the fold, the economy be damned, when the aformentioned Max
Mosley decided to retire. So the top F1 Meisters of 2008/2009
(pictured above, with their fascinating cars) will be the top F1 Meisters
of 2010 and beyond.

But part of me really wishes it had turned out differently.


“These F1 Fuckers will be racing at Fuckin’ TALLADEGA next
week!! We’re fuckin’ going to THAT!!”

And speaking of Elvis….


Congrats to Ron Hornaday for his dominant Camping World Truck Series
win at Memphis Motorsports Park last evening. He led 175 of 201 laps to
get his second Truck Series win in a row. He won last weekend at
Milwaukee. Even cooler, it’s his second Elvis trophy in a row. Very cool!!
And take comfort, gentlemen, that there will never EVER be a Michael
Jackson trophy awarded for winning any NASCAR sanctioned event at any
track anywhere in the United States or the Known Universe ever Ever EVER!

The rest of the NASCAR gang is at Loudon this weekend, tuning up for the
German Gran Prix (did I mention that as part of the F1 Setttlement that they
would trade places with their NASCAR counterparts for the weekend of
the German Gran Prix?) with a Nationwide race won yesterday by the always
effervescent Kyle Busch:

kyle busch wins again

“I just can’t WAIT to race in Europe!! They’ll LOVE me over there!”

Yes. That’s right I forgot to mention it. Silly me. Lewis Hamilton, Rubens Barrachello, Jenson Button, Fenando Alonso, Sebastian Vettel, Sebastian Beaujolais, Max Webber, Heikki Kovalainen, Kimi Raikkonnen, Timo Glock and company will take to the Chicagoland Speedway on the weekend of July 10th-12th in their bright shiny and terrible mecha-cars.


Everyone in America celebrates Jenson Button’s thrilling win at Chicagoland!!

While our good ol’ Wisconsin boy Matt, along with his pals Smoke, Junior, The Biff, The Carl, That Lout Kevin Harvick, That Homo Jeff Gordon and His Uni-Browed Butt Buddy Jimmy Johnson will take to the 5.148 km Nürburgring. I cant wait to see our NASCAR boys going balls out 3-wide into the Rhein-Pfalz Bogen enroute to the NGK Shinkane and the Coca-Cola Kurve! 258 km/hr indeed!!


Jeff Gordon fans gathered from all over Germany to see him run at the Nürburgring.

Meanwhile, back at Loudon. We’ve a got a field set by owner points ready to tee it off.  I’m counting on Matt and Smoke and Newman to pull this one out and practice joining each other on the podium for some celebratory champagne, or better yet, NARRAGANSETT Lager!!

We also STILL have persistent Danica to NASCAR rumours. This is the latest from Jayski:

Danica Patrick to Hendrick? Dale Jr. to….. If Danica Patrick does jump from the Indy Racing League to NASCAR, as increasingly appears likely, the battle for her, according to sources close to the negotiations, is down to car owners Rick Hendrick, of Chevrolet, and Jack Roush, of Ford. According to these sources, Hendrick and General Motors’ Chevrolet division are now suddenly the heavy favorites to sign Patrick. And the key would apparently be Hendrick’s willingness to put her in a Sprint Cup ride for the full 2010 season. Roush has said he would like to see her run some NASCAR Nationwide and/or Truck events, along with six or seven Cup events, to get her accustomed to stock car racing. Hendrick reportedly is willing to go further. Patrick might take Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s spot on Hendrick’s official four-team Cup roster, with Earnhardt moving to an expanded JR Motorsports operation. JR Motorsports, Earnhardt’s own operation, run in partnership with Hendrick, would thus be stepping up to a full Cup program; Hendrick has already been talking with Talladega winner Brad Keselowski about Keselowski’s future in NASCAR, with indications he could get a Cup ride with an expanded JR Motorsports venture, with Hendrick engines and Hendrick engineering. It is not clear how far along any Patrick-IMG-Hendrick negotiations have gone, but sources tell that the Patrick-Hendrick deal is very close to being a ‘done deal.

No word from Andretti Green on this one but….remember what I told you guys:

danica patrick will save NASCAR

Danica Patrick will save NASCAR!!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Respectfully submitted,

Evil Schmitty

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *