How’s the third Fermat prime treating you now you fat Irish c**t!!!
If you thought I’d be writing about USA! USA!! USA!!!’s World Cup 2014, you thought wrong. I’ll get that at some point…and that point will be when Belgium joins us on the sidelines.
For now, we have a rather bizarre and intriguing tale about the #17 to wrap our fragile minds around. It’s the oddest thing I’ve ever heard of in quite awhile.
It involves yet another fock-wit foreign owner of a English football club, in this case, Massimo Cellino, the new owner of Leeds United…the once mighty Leeds United of the Don Revie and Brian Clough era, a/k/a/The Damned United.
It involves Leeds’ dimwit goalie, Paddy Kenny, formerly of Queens Park Rangers,who had the great misfortune of being born on May 17th.
And of course, the Football League and the ever quisling FA of England is dragged into this, because…well…they allowed a convicted fraudster to buy an English club in the first place. Quite a vetting process, yes?
Cellino has a thing about the number 17. And it’s not a good thing.
He considers 17 to be an unlucky number, since back in the day, his old club, Cagliari, always lost games they played on the 17th on the month. A streak of losses spread across 20 years. He’d gone so far as to change all the seats in Cagliari’s stadium from 17 to 16B ((if he built a 20 story hotel, there would be a 13th floor, but not a 17th floor)). Cellino also has a hatred of the colour purple. Bad luck colour as well.
The irony ((one of)) of it all is that the only game Cagliari won on the 17th of the month in a 20 year span is the day he made all the fans in attendance wear purple. He figured, from a spurious mathematical perspective that the two negatives would cancel each other out. It worked on that day, but mathematician he is not. Racountuer, perhaps. Fraudster, yes.
Cagliari did win at home at the Stadio Sant Elia in front of 10,050 purple-clad fans on September 17, 2011. They dispatched hapleass Novara 2-1 on goals by Thiago Ribeiro at the 38th minute and Joaquin Larrivey at the 86th. So that little legend is covered for now.
But lets fast forward to the present day. Ignore those fraud convictions and all that dross. There have been a veritable parade of criminals and fock-wits who’ve owned and still do own English football team days. So Cellino has taken over a storied franchise. But instead of raising it up to the glory days of old, he seems hell-bent on driving it down the muck of despond.
As soon as he took over, he fired a good and decent coach in Brian McDermott, and brought up the coach from Forest Green Rovers, who finished 10th in Conference National last season, 3 levels down from the Championship to take over the helm of a ship that is surely doomed to sink ((or insert a typical British equivalent term here…like, for example, go tits up)). Cellini then intends to stock up with cheap Italian players and while bargains can be found, I don;t think his vision includes anything remotely approaching astute player personnel management. Or winning any hardware, or achieving promotion back up to the Prem. I suppose if they don’t lose any games they play on the 17th on the month, he’ll be as happy as a little girl. A big UGLY little girl.
So now we come to Paddy Kenny, who for the most part is a dumb-fock, but I suppose he’s okay as goalie for a team in the Championship. Not the brightest bulb, though. His little Napoleonesque nose to nose with John Terry in the infamous match ‘tween Chelsea and QPR when John Terry allegedly called Kenny’s teammate Anton Ferdinand a focking black c*nt ((censorship all MINE!!)) was laughable beyond words. Paddy Kenny, who looks younger than he is, ((but is just as fat as looks)) is a serviceable enough goalie for a team in the Championship. He got his big start at Sheffield Wednesday ((which, for those of you engineers and beer connoisseurs who appreciate and savour the wee trivial, yet important detail of the human diaspora, is the oldest professional football club on Earth)) under Neal Warnock. He moved with Warnock to QPR, and then when Warnock got the sack at QPR, tagged along with Warnock to Leeds ((Warnock was sacked by Ken Bates and Brian McDermott was hired but Paddy Kenny stayed….got it?? Good.))
And now Paddy Kenny finds himself out of a job at Leeds. Not because he’s a fuck-wit who drinks, ya know. Not because he showed up for Leeds training camp 17 stone overweight. ((pun intended, but you do the maths—-oh, and take a drink since I used the word maths instead of math)).
Nope. All those valid reasons do not apply here.
Paddy Kenny is out of a job because….HE WAS BORN ON THE 17TH OF THE MONTH!!
Paddy Kenny, born May 17, 1978 in Halifax, West Yorkshire, UK to Irish parents. Paddy, my man, you’ve been chopped. It’s not because you’re FAT, or a drunken fockwit, and all of the rest of the above. It’s because you were born on the 17th.
If yer ma had waited a day,Paddy, or pushed your ass out earlier….you’d probably still be wearing the black goalie shirt and flying the Damned United flag proudly ((pride being a fairly relative thing here, but I digress….))
But you you had the misfortune of being born on the 17th of the month. The last train to London is leaving in 17 minutes. You better be on it.
Catch it if you can.
Massimo Cellino’s criminal, irrational, madness aside, there is a bit of a cultural nuance at work here.
In Italy, the number 17 is culturally considered an unlucky number because the way it is written in Roman Numeral is an can be anagrammatically transposed into the Latin word vixi, meaning I have lived. Which of course implies “My Life Is Over!!” On Italia Airlines, there is no row 17 in any of their planes.
But the level Cellino is taking it to at Leeds is beyond even irrational and is in a whole other realm.
The wearer of the #17 shirt, Michael Brown, was released at the end of last season when Cellini took over last April. There is no one on the current 2014-15 squad who will be wearing the #17 shirt. I checked on their club website. If ((and that’s a big if, btw…)) you want a #17 Leeds United shirt, you’ll have to personalise it with yer own name.
Along with a Non-League mid-table at best gaffer being brought in to lead the charge, and the canteen being closed at their training grounds so the lads will have to brown bag their own fish & chips in as though they were a Sunday League club ((or Governor Scott Walker)), the #17 has been purged forever from the club.
Keep that thought in mind.
But not for very long….
Lucky for these unlucky losers that Massimo Cellino was not in charge:
Quite a murderer’s row of sporting lads who would probably find themselves gone if Massimo Cellino had owned their clubs, yes? His heptadecaphobia would have changed the history of sports forever.
Fortunately a more common sense prevailed.
The number 17 has resonated across the sporting world and stood for greatness. And if not for greatness, then at the very last, excellence.
Todd Helton, Lance Berkman, Wisconsin’s very own Jim Gantner and Dave Krieg, Philip Rivers, John Havlecek. Ask any of these guys if the #17 in unlucky.
My man at Chelsea, Eden Hazard, wears the #17. I’m sure glad Cellino owns Leeds and not Chelsea.
And then there’s the great NASCAR drivers who’ve driven the #17 car to glory:
Amazing what destruction a wacko like Cellino could have wrought.
A sporting world w/o the number 17 would not be much of sporting world at all.
All because of a perceived unlucky number.
And thus, Paddy Kenny is sacked because he was born on the 17th of May, instead of, say, the 18th.
I can think, off the top of my head, only one positive use for this madness of Massimo Cellino:
Imagine the mind-boggling possibilities if Massimo Cellino owned Hendrick Motorsports.
First order of business for the new owner would be to tear up Jimmie Johnson’s contract and send him packing. Johnson is replaced by a cheap ARCA driver or perhaps a nephew of one of Cellino’s criminal Italian buddies.
No drive for 7. ((He’d wind up at another team, but it wouldn’t be the same, not at all))
The NASCAR world turned on it’s ear.
Because Jimmie Johnson born on September 17th, 1975.
Of course, Brian France and Mike Helton would probably charge Cellini with violating Rule 12-4-A, Actions Detrimental to Stock Car Auto Racing if he did that.
But we can dream, can’t we??