The English Premier League has thrown me a curve this season.
Last season, for the most part they were tossing straight up heat, reaching back and bringing the cheese. But this season, my word, the drop on that curveball has nearly left my bat on my shoulder and an aggrieved look on my face as I glance back at the ump and wordlessly ask “Are you right focking SURE that was a strike?”
Instead, I’ll give it a go, take a swing and hope at the very least I dink it into the opposite field.
The Prem is starting a week earlier than last season. The opening tilt will be at 6:45AM CDT with Tootenham toddling up to Old Trafford for a 2-1 opening loss that will have all Red Devil fans worldwide celebrating as if they just won the Prem and the Tootenham faith(less)ful calling for the head of Mauricio Pochettino on a stick. Then again, that happy youngster Aaron Lennon could score a brace to match Harry Kane’s brace and the Spurs will trot out 4-2 winners.
Football, Bloody HELL!!
Anyway, fock those two. My attention on opening day will be divied between Chelsea, and my newly promoted Norwich City Canaries who open their Premier League campaign at Carrow Road with a 1-0 defeat to Crystal Palace. Note I said to, not of. Last season, when I predicted Norwich’s opening match against Wolverhampton in the Championship, I touted a Norwich 2-1 win. Instead, Wolves defeated Norwich 0-1. And despite that start, look where Norwich ended up. So why mess with success.
Chelsea opens their title defense at The Bridge with a 2-0 defeat of Swansea. Gary Monk did a wonderful job with the Swans last season. But….it’s Chelsea at the Bridge. And there is no way that the Swans will win. None. Inconceivable.
And for more of my English Premier League 2015 Predictions sure to go wrong, stay tuned after this brief motorsports break.
Well, that’s all for motorsports for today, or right now, whichever came first. 1
Kyle Busch won again. Danica Patrick, and everybody else, did not.
At the Hungarian Gran Prix, Seb Vettel won, and everyone else did not.
Lewis Hamilton who started on the pole, got off the grid with yet another slow start 2 in a row. Had some argy-bargy with Raikkonnen, but don’t quote me on that. Finished 6th. Rosberg 8th. So much for F1’s Best Friends FOREVER® setting the F1 record for most podium finishes in a row by teammates.
As you can probably tell by now, I have absolute nothing to say about all this. Read all about in your local paper.
RIP Jules Bianchi 1989-2015
But, it’s not all about the usual dull tedious shite.
Vettel, who was one of the pall-bearers at Bianchi’s funeral this week, dedicated his win today to Jules. “Cette victoire, c’est pour Jules.”
Bianchi died on July 17th from injuries suffered during a horrific wreck at the Japanese Gran Prix. He’d been in an induced coma since the wreck, and finally succumbed a week ago Thursday.
A real shame. An up and coming young talent has been lost forever. His death has prompted F1 to make safety changes and upgrades. The virtual safety car is one of them. More are sure to come.
As I already mentioned, the Premier League tees off a week early this year at 6:45AM CDT with a tilt that features Tootenham toodling up to Old Trafford for a 2-1 loss on Saturday August 8th that will set the entire English Football world on fire for a descending series of moments, or until ManU(re) trips over their hyper-inflated egos the following Saturday with a loss at Villa Park by a similar score.
The only problem I can see there is who the fock does Aston Villa have that can score two goals?? That’s two goals in one game, let alone the entire season? Christian Benteke has taken Northern Rail’s DO ONE Express up to Anfield, while Fabian Delph packed up his ol’ kit bag and headed straight to Manchester City.
In any case, it will matter naught how well or how poorly ManU(re) get off the mark this season, because:
1. CHELSEA — Chelsea will win the Premier League for the 2nd year in a row.
You should know my usual disclaimer by now.
If I thought Chelsea would suck this season I would own up to it and not pick them to win. The simple fact of the matter is is that they are the best team in the Prem this season, and while it will not be quite the stroll it was last season, when the final whistle blows on 15/05/2016, Chelsea will be top of the table and will lift the trophy for the second year in a row.
The following teams will contend for the title, or make a pretense of doing so, but will fall a wee short. I’m thinking this will be the finish order for the Elite and so-called Elite teams:
4. Manchester City
Again, you will note that my despite utter despisal of ManU(re) and my wishes that they be relegated every season until one day they’re playing down in the Manchester League Division 1, and losing even there, I have them making a move up to 3rd and an automatic Champions League qualifying spot. I don’t see them any higher than that. They’ve added a bunch of players that look good on paper, but the test will be on the pitch — will they function as a team, rather than collection of 11 high-priced top-flight3 talents?. The simple fact that they’re willing (allegedly) to toss Jonny Evans into the pot to nick Everton’s John Stones from Chelsea smacks of desperation and tells me they don’t have what it takes just yet.
Arsenal is going to be Chelsea’s biggest challenge among the elite teams. There’ll be the emotional element of facing their legendary goalie Petr Cech, not to mention the fact that he is freaking Petr Cech and not David Ospina or the smokin’ Wojiech Szczeszny.
City stole Raheem Sterling from Liverpool who stole Benteke from Villa so we’ll see who gets what they paid for. Tootenham could leapfrog both of them, especially if Harry Kane has another stellar season.
Now if you think I’m copping out by saying that City, Pool, and Spurs will be tied for 4th, I’ll stick with the order I wrote ’em down in if you prefer.
And now, here’s a toast to mid-table mediocrity:
7. Stoke City
7. Crystal Palace
7. Norwich City
7. West Ham
Mid-table mediocrity is perhaps too harsh a term. Especially for some of the teams like Norwich and Bournemouth who have just returned to the Prem. There will naught be much mediocrity about their performances. Mid-table safety is good place to start your return to the Prem.
I suppose mediocrity is more a slur I’d toss at Everton. I pegged them for an elite-level 6th place finish last year. They let me down last season 4 with a dismal 11th place finish. It could very will be a similar finish this season.
The nature of the football business being what it is, it is very difficult for any of these teams, no matter how good they are, to enter the rarefied air of the elite Premier League teams. These teams don’t have the resources, ie. the £££, to mount a serious long-term challenge. Only if one of the elite squads takes a serious tumble this season, or in the next few years, do I see the likes of Swansea, Soton, or even Norwich, having a chance to challenge for the title.
A sad state of affairs, but that’s the nature of the game these days.
I’m not copping out by saying they’ll all be tied for 7th 5. My feeling is they’ll likely finish in the order I’ve written them down.
And finally, we have:
Welcome to RELEGATION HELL!!!
18. West Brom
18. Aston Villa
20. Leicester City
Last season I predicted 7 teams to suffer relegation HELL. Of those 7 teams, two of them, QPR and Burnley, got relegated. Hull City was plucked for relegation from the Mid-Table Mediocrity zone.
This season, 3 of the usual suspects are back, along with Watford, who will give it a go this season, but like Burnley last season, will head back to the Championship to try again.
Leicester City, who I figure to be a relegation suspect last season, finished 14th in 2014-15. This season, relegation is pretty much assured. Nigel Pearson, who is no saint, mind, but a damn good coach, got the boot for a variety of reasons, including, but not limited to, him fighting with an opposing fan and nearly choking him.
Also, Nigel’s son, who plays for Leicester, was caught on film6with 2 other LC players fucking a couple or three underage Thai whores on their preseason tour of Thailand while calling the girls gooks and slants other slurs of a racial nature. Leicester City’s Thai owner Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha was not pleased with that!!
But I’m sure there were other underlying valid reasons for Pearson’s dismissal. 7
Anyway, Claudio Ranieri has been tipped for the Captain of the sinking Leicester City ship. So down they will go.
Watford will join them.
And then there’s be the tussle for 18th place. I’m going with Sunderland to go down. But I won’t bet you more than one six-pak of BIG FLATS Beer on it. West Brom and Sunderland are equally able to relegate themselves.
Perhaps it will all boil down to the coach. Tactics Tim Sherwood at Villa, and Tony Pulis at West Brom are the best of the lot. Then you’ve got Dick Advocaat at Sunderland. Not bad in a his day I suppose, but this season will not be his day.
Sherwood and Pulis both have a certain style, personality, and capability of make something out of lots of nothing. Sherwood kept Villa up last season, and Pulis, who took over mid-season pulled West Brom up to a respectable 13th despite losing the final game of the season 4-1 at Arsenal.
So there you have it.
19 predictions sure to go wrong.
You’ll feel much better about your investment in the morning.
So now I’m off to work on setting up my EPL Fantasy Football team for next season, the mighty Pointers of Pendarvis AFC.
Either that, or toddle off to the boozer.
Cue the music, and no not that song by Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart…..
- If you think I write this all at one sitting, you think wrong. All the motorsports for today I was going to banter about has come and gone. I had to go to work. And now, back at it….19;49 CDT 7/26/15
- So did Rosberg.
- Not to mention all the actual Toffees’ Fans out there
- I really wish I could have them all tied for 10th!
- Betamax, I’m sure!!
- But I can’t think of one off the top of my head, can you?
- Except that they’re sold in 4 paks. But no worries….you do the math.