A loutish and insipic presentation of scurrilous incoherent ramblings and other dull tedious shite arranged in a convenient and affable chronological format.
Yes, I know it’s the Holidays. Christmas, New Years and all that and I hope it’s happy. Also, it’s not only the end of the year, but also the end of the Decade. But if you’re expecting anything Holiday or Fin de Year/Decade related, or a sad parade of Top 10 Lists, well, best prepare yourself to be disappointed. Or at least, dispense with those expectations entirely and then you won’t be disappointed at all, and might, when all is said and done be somewhat pleasently surprised, albeit vaguely.
While having a beer at the Grumpy Troll this afternoon, I got to wondering about when, exactly men’s basketball shorts stopped being short. There had to be a moment, or a descending series of moments when that occurred. What got me thinking about that was that I was watching the replay of last night’s Wisconsin vs. UW-Milwaukee basketball game, and UW-Milwaukee has this big galoot trudging around out there, 6’7″ 310 pound (yes, you read that right) James Eayrs, who looks more like one of those Eastern Europeans sumo-wrestlers. Anyway, those basketball shorts on him looked especially ridiculous….you could’ve used them to wrap up a Minneapolis-Moline Tractor as a Christmas present. If fact, he looked like a Minnneapolis-Moline tractor. So it made me wonder…when did this goofy trend start.
Doing a little digging, I re-discovered my memories of University of Michigan Fab 5 from the 1991-92 season. The Fab 5: Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose, Chris Webber, Jimmy King and Ray Jackson bagn the 1991-92 season as freshman finished the season by winning the NCAA Championship. They popularized and propelled the trend towards baggier and longer basketball shorts. When they first hit the courts in their long baggy shorts, and black shoes and socks…they were like nothing anyone had ever seen…and they played like nothing anyone had ever seen. Long and baggy became cool and pretty soon College and then NBA player began adopting the new look. BUT…
The look didn’t start with the Fab 5 however. While I haven’t pinned this down to the exact moment…the actual origin of the look began with the Arkansas Razorbacks basketball team during the 1990-91 season. Back then, the Razorbacks were not nationally televised and though a pretty good team that made it to the Elite 8 that season under head coach Nolan Richardson, they weren’t poised on the brink, so to speak. They didn’t have the flair and the style that Michigan had the following year.
Early in the 1991 season, Michigan assistant coach Brian Dutcher noticed his players pulling their shorts down to their hips and wearing their jerseys untucked. Remembering seeing the Arkansas team wearing longer shorts the previous season, he ordered shorts for the Fab 5 to wear that were about 2 to 4 inches longer than average. Juwan Howard liked them, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Well…it really IS the end of the Noughties…and as much as it galls me to spit those words off my tongue, I guess there is no avoiding the reality of it. And a dreadful decade it was from a cultural, political, economic, social, emotional, ethical standpoint. If not for sports, the Noughts would have been even more a total miserable hell than it already was.
Sports survived it all. Even the Milwaukee Brewers were able to rise above by the end of the decade.
Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines. Danicamania is here at last!! Yes, Evil Ones, Danica Patrick is finally here to save NASCAR. It’s real. It’s happening. It’s happening in the happening world. Scanalyze that name!! Christ, what an imagination I have!! There’s the obligatory GoDaddy.com video. Ditto!! She will be racing a part-time schedule in 2010 driving the #7 GoDaddy.com Chevrolet for JR Motorsports. Snappy!! Her first official stock car race will be the ARCA race at Daytona on Feb 6, 2010. Fabulous!! A smart move all the way around. A boost for NASCAR. Fuck that limp dick Drive For Diversity bullshit! It’s DANICAMANIA, Baby!! I can’t hardly wait!!
But I got to thinking about that news conference where they made the announcement with GoDaddy CEO Bob Parsons and Kelly Earnhardt from JR Motorsports. If you go watch that video again, it seemed rather forced, strained, and far less entertaining that what you’d expect from an over-the-top company like GoDaddy.com….not that I was expecting to see Danica Patrick and Kerry Earnhardt mud-wrestle naked and take a shower together mind you. But it seemed almost amatuerish, unexpectedly so. Like something a couple of interns threw together at the last minute. And I think one of the interns forgot to make the applause sign….I mean, how hard is THAT….what does it take…a big red magic marker and a chunk of poster board? After all, Bob Parsons has a video blog wtf!! Hmmmm…..I wonder what’s missing from this picture. Remind me to keep an eye on the emotional dynamics underlying this as the weeks and days roll merrily along.
What they REALLY should have done is had a press conference done up like an episode of Queen For A Day. With Bob Parsons as Jack Bailey, and Kelly Earnhardt as fashion commentator. And if they could have gotten Junior himself up to wearing those goofy nerdy glasses announcer Gene Baker wore…it would have been perfect!!
Bob Parsons: “Would YOU like to be Queen for a day?”
Danica Patrick: “Oh yes, Bob. I really REALLY would!”
Bob: “So…what would you like if you’re elected our Queen?”
Danica: “I want to win the Daytona 500 and the Sprint Cup Championship and the Indy 500 and the IRL Championship. And that…that meanie, Dan Wheldon is….such a BEANDOG!! “
((Pssst! Cue that Applause Meter, interns!!))
Bob: “I now crown you Queen Danica….Queen For A Day!!”
And as Danica Patrick and Kelly Earnhardt walk off together into a brave new future…while Bob Parsons posts on his video blog his NEW trademark slogan: “Make every woman a queen, for every single day!”…. it should be duly noted that there is also a new King that hath been crowned.
Jimmie Johnson’s wreck in the early laps of last Sunday’s Dickie’s 500 at the Texas Motorspeedway gave a few of the Chasers a bit of hope that this year’s Chase would become competitive once again. Johnson lost 111 of points, but he still holds a respectable 73 point lead on Mark Martin, and a healthy 112 lead on Jeff Gordon. Kurt Busch, Tony Stewart, Juan Pablo Montoya, and the rest, are for all intents and purposes are out of it and will spend the next two Sundays racing for Pride, Dignity, Style and Culture. Mostly for pride and style, I would imagine. Since style and culture and NASCAR are ofttimes incompatible concepts.
The numbers, of course, don’t lie. And as close as the leads seems, and as tenuous a grip on that lead Jimmie Johnson might have, the likelihood of him falling on his ass again like he did at Texas (through no fault of his own) is not very likely. Yes, Mark Martin and Jeff Gordon have a fighting chance, and they will fight like hell to take the lead and win it at Homestead. But the reality of it is that this sudden ray of hope is really just a false alarm.
Unfortunately for Mark Martin and Jeff Gordon, there is no magical ability that they can summon to defeat Jimmie Johnson. All things being equal, and they most likely are and will be, the Evil Mechanations of Chad Knaus and the Damned Ability of Jimmie Johnson will carry those two to Victory Lane at Homestead a week from tomorrow.
I don’t think they will wrap it up at Phoenix, but you never know. Stranger things have and still could happen. But not bloody likely. Does the Chase suddenly become more watchable now? Maybe. But…the racing is still a bit more boring than in years past. The thrill is diminished. We will all root for the underdog, they same way we’d root for Phil Mickelson and Steve Stricker on the last day of, say the Masters or the US Open with Tiger holding a 1 or 2 stroke lead. We root for Mickelson and Stricker, and yet every time they seem to cut the lead or tie, Tiger finds a away to pull away and the stroll up the 18th fairway is just a mere formality. This is how the Chase will end this year. Martin and Gordon will make it close, but from the first lap to the end, it will be Jimmie Johnson leading the parade, Jimmie Johnson who will be hoisting the Championship Trophy for the remarkable 4th year in a row.
“Hi, I’m Kyle Busch and you are cordially invited to my Pants Party…”
NASCAR’S other two touring series, the Camping World Truck Series, and the Nationwide (Busch) series are pretty much over and done (and one them WAS locked up after last night’s race…more on that in a minute). But nobody seems to mind. Not too much anyway. Most of the speculation and alacritous commentary was about celebrating early, before Ford Championship Weekend concludes a weekend from now in Miami. What would Ron Hornaday and his guys do, and what will Kyle Busch and his guys do when they seal the deal here at Phoenix? More to the point, what will Busch and Hornaday do NEXT Friday and Saturday at Homestead, drive around backwards sucking a beer and burning heaters for a lap or three and then park it and say Fock ALL!!? ((I DID mention that as I write this, one deal IS already sealed, ne?))
Kyle Busch has an insurmountable 247 point lead on Carl Edwards. He’s up 267 on Brad Kesolowski who’s moving to #12 Penske Dodge next season. In fourth place, Jason Leffler (yes, THAT Jason Leffler) is 1000 points off the pace. Yes, you read that right. In Nationwide, this season, Kyle Busch really was terrifying true vampire. He made everyone, even his fellow Buschwackers, look like stuffed animals.
As for Ron Hornady, well…. Ron Hornaday is THE toughest guy in all of NASCAR bar none. Tougher even than Mark Martin. Hornaday could kick any one’s ass.
And what he accomplished Friday night….well, we’ll get to that after the jump.
By the way, Ron Hornaday will come to your house and kick your ass like hell wont have it if you go to the jump before Joni Mitchell song is over. You have been warned!
Heh heh…sorry about that. That was last weekend. Hrrrrr!! Anyway, NASCAR’s last ditch effort to quell the boredom that has been seething out of the race’s lately has taken a twist they had not anticipated. Kyle Busch, it seems, was NOT turned in to a terrifying true vampire after all.
After an impressive Camping World Truck Series win on Friday night and an equally impressive Nationwide win yesterday, Kyle Busch’s trues colours and true nature are finally being revealed. And today, as the Dickie’s 500 is set to tee at Texas Motor Speedway in an hour or so from now as I type this, Kyle is poised to complete the weekend hat trick. He is the best driver not in the Chase and I hope he tears up Texas and cordially takes a bow.
See NASCAR fans?? Kyle Busch is NOT all scary. Why can’t you embrace him? He’s nothing but a stuffed animal!!
Oh yes. I almost forgot to mention Ryan Newman’s little Cirque du Soleil meet Robbie Knieval routine last Sunday.
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